I can still remember the day when I almost tried to kill myself.
Although it is not particularly hard to remember, based on the fact that I am reminded everyday by the pills in the medicine cabinet.
It was late in the day, most of my family decided to go out somewhere. I stayed home as usual, my mom was in her room watching TV, we ended up being the only two in the house at the time. I had already gotten the pills, in fact they were sitting on my beside table, I wasn’t doing anything but staring at them. Thinking. About everything. Friends, family, people I knew at school. I thought to myself “Would they really care if I actually died right here, right now?” “Probably not. So why am I wasting time? I should just get on with it.” So I did. I put the pills in my hand and held them up to my mouth.
But that is when I froze. My throat felt tight and I closed my eyes feeling the tears form.
I just couldn’t do it.
Sad and angry I threw the pills away from me as tears started to fall. Crying I curled up into a ball as everything that led up to this flashed through my mind again. The bad grades, the constant yelling of the loud, angry voice of my dad telling me how much of a let down I am and to start being a good student while my mom just sat there not saying a word, the one friend I had who no longer talked to me just for unfollowing her on instagram, and me for hating myself because I was giving up. I hid these emotions at school with a smile so reassure everyone I was okay but inside I was screaming. Over time I just started to feel so stressed and completely alone.
I was crying loudly, begging for my mom to come in and say everything would be alright, but she never came…..
There was only one reason why I didn’t pick up the rest of those pills and shove them down my throat.
It was hope.
Hope that one day everything would get better.
Hope that one day my parents will finally say that they are proud of me, rather than a disappointment.
Hope that there will be people who would become such great friends with me.
Hope that one day I won’t feel so alone.
I am still waiting for that, still trying to stay strong.