I’m hoping this post triggers a discussion, because I need to hear some opinions from some people who don’t know me personally. All comments would be appreciated.
I’m soon to turn 24 and have been ill since I was 7. Over the years, my physical illness has made me feel extremely anxious, embarrassed, ashamed and worthless. The severity of my illness has fluctuated, causing periods of false hope which result in deeper and deeper depression every time I’m back to my normal, bedridden state.
My illness (which I shan’t fully describe), among many other unpleasant symptoms, leaves me in constant pain which is not even touched by painkillers. Most days, I’m unable to read or to think clearly, never mind sit up straight and fake a smile. For far too long I’ve been in bed simply finding ways to pass the time – every day, and many nights too, as I often can’t sleep.
Admittedly, it’s not that I want to die, it’s that I don’t want to suffer anymore. I’d love to live an active life filled with projects and outings and travelling and – dare I say it – working. But I’ve exhausted all possible solutions, the medical system has given up on me and I’ve stopped fighting. I simply don’t have the emotional or physical energy to keep pushing. I can no longer imagine a possible bright and healthy future for myself; all I can see is a continued “life” of pain, illness and subsequent sadness and suffering.
Chronic illness is no laughing matter.
My question to you is this…
Does the amount of suffering that my parents would go through in my absence outweigh the amount of suffering I’ve been dealing with for many years and that I see no end to?
Try this on for size: by giving me permission to die, they’d be opening the door of my cage and allowing me freedom – freedom from endless illness and constant pain. They’d be doing me a kindness. Wouldn’t they?
My opinion has always been that suicide in and of itself is an incredibly selfish act. However, lately my argument is – asking me to stay alive (which to me means “keep suffering”) is far more selfish.
Does one have to be an injured animal or fully disabled human for euthanasia to be justifiable/ understandable? Is it not fair to argue that even people who can still dress themselves might be suffering, and have been suffering far too long to still be able to muster up the energy to pretend to be okay with their ongoing battle with ill health? Is it not reasonable for the chronically ill to feel just as hopeless as some of the terminally ill?
17 comments
If you’re suffering, then I don’t see how euthanasia would be a bad thing. Even if you weren’t suffering, I feel that everyone should have that choice over their lives. It’d be like abortion, which is already a debatable topic. People who get abortions usually think long and hard before going through with it, and even the people who use it as a warped form of birth control – it’s their choice, right? It’d be the same thing with euthanasia.
Personally I feel that if I had a child, and that child was suffering so much that they were considering euthanasia, I’d totally look into it with them. I’ll always have their memory in my heart. The last thing I want to do is see someone I love so much suffer. That’s my opinion, though.
T.S, thank you for sharing this view.
The choice has to be yours. I’m also chronically ill. Things will only get worse for me and oneday I will end my life. I haven’t yet cause I don’t want to hurt those that love me. But at some point I’m simply not going to be able take it anymore.
I know what it’s like to suffer. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I totally get what you mean about hurting those who love you. Some of them might not understand that suicide is the only out for people who suffer like you do. I deal with a bit of suffering, too. But as much as I suffer, I could never leave my Grandmother behind. She’d be crushed by my death. So I tough it out for her. It might be slightly different for you, though.
Whispers, this is the point I’m at too – I feel your pain, my friend.
Over a decade ago I was diagnosed with tertiary syphilis which robbed me of my eyesight and nearly all my mobility. Even rolling over in bed was agony. I could drive or read a computer screen. I had no family to speak of. I was treated and recovered, only to lose my home to foreclosure the following year. And that’s my pattern. I get better then I get slapped down again. Having said that, I still can’t imagine your 17 years of pain. I don’t know that it’s even fair to compare my lifelong emotional pain to anyone’s tangible, physical pain.
As silly as it may sound to some, my only reason to stay alive was to see my four felines through their lives. I’d raised them from kittens. They were helpless, would not understand my sudden disappearance, nor why they were being separated and moved out of the only home they’d ever known. Even as I sat with a muzzle in my mouth, I relented and made a promise to them. The last one died a year ago at 16. I fulfilled my promise. Strangely, it’s my proudest accomplishment, being a guardian for a few little lives.
Bluntly, you’re not selfish. You’re exhausted. Selfishness is a system, mores and some people grimly determined to keep you alive at any cost. And, imo, it contradicts the creed to “do no harm”.
Agreed.
Visual, my goodness, what you’ve been through!! Your strength is admirable and the fact that you kept your promise and saw it through makes me have such respect for you, you are right to be proud of yourself. How rewarding those years of caring for those little animals must have been.
Thank you for your comment and kind words.
My cats have given me reason to keep living, over and over. What a gift they are to the suffering human.
You are not being selfish, but it would be wrong to ask your parents to risk being jailed for murder, which they would be if they helped you. If you can find a way around that, bless you and if there is another life, may you no longer suffer there. And, if there is not life beyond death, you won’t know and your suffering will end all the same. Simply know you are loved, no matter what your decision.
You guys are making getting a cat sound really appealing! 🙂
It’s is about quality of life. If you’re planning to leave us mostly because you’re depressed, then I think you should see a phycologist to try and change your mood and live a happier life. Physical illness is another matter, no human being was made to live chained to a sick shell of a body. Unfortunately in American society we’ve been trained to feel that there’s honor in dying in pain and anguish no more honor than being the even-tempered levelheaded ones that decide to bow out before we lose our dignity.
Regardless of your decision, just know that somebody out there loves you
I’m sure that you’re right in that seeing a professional who can help me to work through the psychological side of chronic illness would be a good idea. If those who love me want me to stick around, that extra support is something I now need. Also, your choice of words, ” no human being was made to live chained to a sick shell of a body “, is exactly what I’m needing my loved ones to understand.
Have you tried talking to your family about this? I don’t mean to be “one of those people”, but sometimes, your family is more open than you may think. Let me put it this way…There’s a man who has an incurable stomach problem, and has turned to assisted suicide. The documentary is here: http://youtu.be/jhQB9XCKRoQ (let me know if it doesn’t work). It may give you a little insight into what other people in the same situation (i.e. extreme physical illness as opposed to emotional illness) have gone through, as I cannot weigh in as I’ve never been in constant physical pain and can’t even imagine what it must be like. But as others have said, it’s ultimately your choice, but we’re always here to lend an ear!!!
I find it hard to talk in detail with my family about the topic of suicide and euthanasia. It’s not that they’re not willing to listen, it’s that I start to talk to them about it and then find it hard to properly express what I’m trying to say. Telling my wonderful mum that her little girl doesn’t want to be here anymore is hard enough, never mind actually committing suicide! But I so desperately need my suffering to come to an end.
Thank you SO much for the link to that documentary (it works), that’s very helpful!!
Hey! Would you mind telling me more about you and your i’llness? Email me more at Tonikuusela@outlook.com
Alice are you still there PLEASE ANSWER!!!
I know the convo was some time ago, but i came here for the same reason. I have 30+ diagnosed chronic conditions. Other symptoms are there, but have not been diagnosed yet. It took 14 yrs to be diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. Like someone else who replied, we have gone through foreclose and bankruptcy due to paying nearly 1k each month in medical bills. . . Just for me.
I have been confined to my home for 3 yrs and at times confined to bed for long periods of time. My drs keep telling me the meds should start working soon. Next month, i will begin my 6th different med for RA.
If you had asked me about my stance on assisted suicide 10 to 15 yrs ago, i would have said every life is precious. Although I would not personally choose assisted suicide unless i had a terminal disease, i can understand why some ppl seek this path. After more than a decade of constant pain, insomnia, and intermittent depression with episode of suicidal thoughts; yes, i can truly understand why ppl with serious illnesses like end stage cancer, MS, or motor neuron disease seek this end.
In the original poster’s case, please speak to your family,. Be sure they understand.
As for this idea that suicide is a cowardly act. . . I can not stand to hear that pharse. Anyone who experiences depression suicidial ideation knows it takes COURAGE to face today. Even if I stay in bed and watch youtube all day. It took COURAGE to open my eyes and not lounge for my box of meds.
Then we finally face the fact that we are simply exhausted. Does this mean we are cowards? No!! It means the burdens we bear are too heavy.
I have 2 uncles who committed suicide. Yes, my mother misses them. I never once felt like they took the coward’s way out. For 60 yrs they battled the “demons”. Then one day it became too much. I lve them and regard their deaths just like i regard my grandmother’s death when she died of cancer. I loved her. I grieved for her. I miss her. The end. I feel the same about my uncles except I also feel compassion for them that they were so sad that they ended their lives. That is real pain.
I am not encouraging suicide, believe me. I am here because i need to speak to other chrinically ill persons who face depression and suicidal thoughts. Went through a rough patch lately. However, until we change our thinking about ourselves, we can not change the opinions of those around us about these struggles. Try to look at the other side of the coin.