Hey Guys!

Hello everyone!  I’m a newbie to this website, and I figured I should post a little something about me- so here goes nothing.  I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when I was in seventh grade.  Ever since I was small, I has hyperaware of everything around me, spooking at the drop of a hat.  This really fried my nerves, and I became even more introverted than I already was.  I was also very ill as a child. I was constantly sick to my stomach, my limbs constantly trembled, exhaustion clouded my every turn, and I was an insomniac.  My parents knew little to nothing about anxiety, so I just delt with it to the best of my ability.  After graduating from seventh grade, I had to transfer from private to public school.  Suddenly I was surrounded by hundreds of kids, and I fit in nowhere. It was here when I became bulimic. There was an enormous pressure to be thin (I am 5’10” with boobs and size 10 curves) and it just wasn’t me. But boy did I try.  For weeks I at only 200 calories a day, but the funny thing was this: I didn’t lose hardly any weight.  WTF!?  All this trouble to be the same, obese size I was.  My parents and I went to the doctor, discovering that I was intolerant to wheat and dairy products. At the time, I didn’t really care- I wasn’t eating, so who gives a fuck? Now I look back and realize how much I miss a good slab of french bread, covered in butter with a glass of ice-cold milk next to it. I told on of my friends about my bulimia, and she helped me tamp it down.  Freshman year of high school came, along with the acne and intensified anxiety.  I don’t now how many of you suffer from diagnosable anxiety, but let me tell you: it’s horrifying.  Your mind races even when you sleep, you constantly tremble form nerves, you have trouble keeping down food, you have an incredibly negative body image… the list goes on.  We went back to the doctor, only to find I am type 2 Bipolar and am clinically depressed.  Apparently, I also have an incredibly negative body image. And I’m meat intolerant.  And my knees are shit.  lol I was (and am) a mess. But I just kept my head up… until junior year.  That was my first suicide attempt, along with my new-found routine of cutting.  One of my friends was doing it, and I hated myself more and more each day- so I tried it. And it became a ritual.  Come home, don’t eat much, do homework, and cut. Cut Cut Cut.  There was a night I was sobbing so hard while I was cutting my tears mixed with the blood on my legs and stained my carpet.  I still haven’t told my mom what those stains are. So this became my routine, and I finally could’t take it.  From constant mood swings, depression so consuming I couldn’t get up, reoccurring food disorders, and mind-blowing anxiety- I felt like I wasn’t strong enough. At first, I was going to blow my head off with a glock.  But then I realized I didn’t want to have my parents find me like that.  Same with cutting.  Lots of blood would’ve freaked them out too much.  So I went with the medication option.  A nice, Costco sized bottle of IBprophen seemed to fit the bill.  I took 35 of them… I counted.  I then sat on the bathroom floor and waited.  I chickened out and threw them all up.  I then went to my room and cut for so long…But this is a story of hope. I went to therapy yada yada yada.  And I do feel better.  But I still have bad days… everyone does.  But it DOES get better.  No matter what you think.