I woke up today,lonely than ever and I realized it didn’t matter..
As I opened my eyes I realized that even my dreams are becoming a darker version of my obscured reality.
I’ve lost my purpose in this existence,as I’ve lost the need to care.
Sometimes when it gets too hard,like all the other pathetic living beings I seek for love, forgetting one essential fact,that love per se is a romantic version of people’s selfishness and I’m so tired from all this selfishness as I seek refuge paradoxically at myself.
The funny thing about myself,my only true friend,my only “true love”,my all is that it’s undeniably my worst enemy.It’s the one who hurts me most and enjoys it.
But does it matter? Of course not.
I used to believe in God,and a part of me still does(or wants to),the part that can’t help itself but write the word with a capital letter.That doesn’t help me anymore though,cause God or god,if he exist,doesn’t care neither,and thus it doesn’t matter.
And then you search for someone or something.You feel the meaningless necessity to share your emptiness that’s eating you from inside-out,with some desperate hope that once it’s spread in the world,there’s a testament of your agony out there in the world and thus you’re not alone anymore.
But does it matter? Of course not.
People need consolation, people need attention, people desperately need from people a proof of their existence,cause nobody likes being the only protagonist of their movie.
But I just want that movie to end.If suicide wasn’t such damn dramatic and messy,I wouldn’t even care to write this note.
If only there was a black hole at e certain point, in which I could enter and erase any proof of my existence.I would gladly leave this world,this body and this fucking life,for a place where dreams don’t exist,instead a quiet non-arbitrary darkness reigns.
But does it matter..?
35 comments
It doesn’t matter
A romantic version of people’s selfishness… interesting interpretation.
The truth is, as long as you’re human, needing the company and love of others is a part of you. It’s hard if not impossible to escape from.
I understand the part about a black hole… if only.
I’ve started to think the same too… Romantic love is very small compared to what pure “love” is. Unconditional love… I think we all can learn how to show it, but not many will ever experience how being unconditionally loved is like.
I’m still waiting for the black hole too.
“Very small”?
So unconditional, pure love can’t include romantic feelings in it?
You can love a person in all ways and come to love them romantically as well.
It doesn’t contradict.
It can, but romantic love most of times is conditional. It’s based on expectations also. Unconditional love isn’t like that, it just is.
Are you in love? Duzo you Romeo X)
Romantic love doesn’t always have conditions and it can develop to more than just romantic feelings.
But it depends i guess.
Also, that information is classifed.
That means YES o:
How did you come to that conclusion?
I deny everything. You have no proof.
*find unfinished love letter on your desk*
Ah, you caught me.
I am sorry.
I might be in love.
Romantic, pure, unconditional?
I don’t know.
What i do know is;
A little word from her breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces.
All i want is to make her smile and it’s enough for me.
I try, but sometimes i think i don’t try enough.
When things get a little messy i stick around but i always seem to hurt her rather than calm things down.
I was pretty sure it was romantic sort of love, but over time it became a little more than just that.
Now i’m honestly confused, so i can’t say for sure what “romantic” or “unconditional” means, but i do know i’m staying there for her no matter what happens.
And i can say for sure i do love her.
So it might have disturbed me a little when you called romantic love small, and when you compared it to unconditional pure love as if it can’t be part of the same.
Duzo, you always make her smile. You always make her smile, you’re her greatest source of happiness. You always calm her down also. The problem is that she’s been dealing with some serious problems, but you’re very important in her life. You’re an amazing guy and she knows that.
What I said about unconditional love and romantic love was solely based on my life experiences, but I know your love is true.
*glue the pieces of your heart back together and gives it a hug*
If she breaks your heart again you tell me, grr.
Not always. I wish it was always, but i don’t always manage. And that kills me.
Serious problems or not, i want to be there.
Thank you, but, I’m not an amazing guy. I try what i can, and for her i try even a little extra, but i’m really not.
I know you’re saying it based on your own experience, and i might have let my personal feelings effect some of what i said, but i heard a lot of experiences of many different people.
Some of them acted really illogical all in the name of love and while trying to prove it, even when they were aware and almost sure it might not do them any good.
That’s why i’m still sure there’s a lot of sides to all of it and why it’s very different between different people, and why i’m still unsure and trying to figure it out.
Maybe i’m just trying to have some hope 😛
Sorry for hijacking this post with all that by the way, umbra.
That’s not, true. You are. You’re super kind, very sweet, you always give people great advice, you’re fun… Plus, your beard is awesome. C’mon, you rock.
(SP, this guy rocks / sorry too, umbra)
You do make her happy. I hope she finds a way to deal with her mess and fix things, I know that she really wants to the best she can be for you. I know she knows you love her… You prove your love all the time.
That’s okay, everyone talks about love based on the ideal built by Hollywood, Disney princess movies and obviously… on their own experiences. That’s our way of defining and explaining feelings and emotions.
Hey don’t broadcast things to everyone 😛
I really hope i did make her happy and that i still do, but even if i don’t, it doesn’t mean i’ll stop trying.
I really wish i could help her out more with all the mess.
I’m not sure if i even prove any love to be honest.
Yeah but if someone is going to base their image of it on movies and all, that’s a problem. And we’ll have to comment on it to make them see that’s not all there is to it.
So yeah, that’s what i tried to do basically, at first at least i guess 😛
I think she feels the same about you, but I can’t read her heart. I hope everything works out for you guys.
What? I was just being goofy when I replied your first comment lol. My bad.
So you’re saying that… I won’t ever meet Aladdin/Prince Ali?
I meant, the first comment of mine, to the first comment of yours 😛
I know you weren’t fully serious after that.
Aladdin himself? I don’t know. Maybe? 😛
Probably not x)
Maybe some other sort of persian prince? Or maybe some other sort of street rat? 😛
Ehh, if I can’t meet Aladdin I want Eric (The Little Mermaid). Oh well, I’m a grown up woman who likes Disney movies… Does that mean that maybe I don’t have many options IRL…?
I don’t think I know many Persian princes.
I think that’s the same chance as aladdin for the same reasons but, maybe!
Hm. You don’t? 😛
That doesn’t mean anything. You can like disney movies anyway!
But i’m sure you have your fans. 😛
Hm… 😛
What fans? You mean the people I pay to pretend that they like me? (; Well I know one persian prince, but he’s taken.
Oh? You pay people to do that?
That doesn’t make much sense. I don’t believe it.
Aren’t they all after you because of your beauty?
Oh you know one?
Maybe once he gets to know you and how amazing you are he’ll be so much in love he’ll ditch the other girl? 😛
I thought your love for her was true lol. Hmm, I don’t think Persian princes care about Brazilian teachers.
Haha, my “beauty”? I see you’re really enjoying those ten dollars I paid you. ;p
Oh you were talking about me?
A prince? You’re way off 😛
And yeah trying to make me ditch her won’t work 😛
Hey! You didn’t pay me anything!
You should have told me before i said it, i wouldn’t mind ten dollars just to state something that is true anyway 😀
If you’re not a Persian prince what are you?
Nah, I don’t want to make you ditch her, she’s an amazing girl. Plus, I’m waiting for Aladdin.
I’ll help you to get ready to Skype with her *putting flowers in your beard*. Looking good, Duzo.
Just a persian? 😛
She really is amazing 😛 You are too though 🙂
Waiting for Aladdin?.. isn’t he taken too? ^ ^;
Oh no. Why do i have to skype her again? 🙂
I don’t want to remind her why she should run away 😀
If you want to bug me that’s fine but don’t make her suffer through dealing with me more than she should 😛
.. kidding.
… … *sneeze*
Are you sure i look good with that on?
Do you know any other princes then?
Oh yeah… Princess Jasmine… Um… Maybe her tiger is going to attack her someday so… We never know, he might be single soon (now take your chance to call me evil)
Nope 😛
Hm… I don’t think that would happen..
Sorry 😀
… Evil
Go Skype with her lol! She’s online, I just saw her. Good luck, Duzo you Romeo.
😛 Thanks.
All so true. I’m hoping that black hole comes soon. Suicide IS too messy. It gets everyone riled up, “Why oh why would they end their life?! It seems so unreal!!!” Yeah true but maybe life isn’t so golden for the rest of us. Maybe we don’t have the rose colored glasses on. Instead we have full 20/20 vision and its crystal clear to us how much actual shit is going on. A black hole would be so nice. Moments before the event horizon you get this sinking feeling, like you do when you go over an unexpected bump in the road and your stomach feels weird. And then you just cease to exist. Just like that you’re erased. Maybe not from the memory of others, but at least they aren’t beating themselves up because they can’t fathom how they couldn’t have helped. At least they don’t have this false guilt that it’s somehow their fault. Instead they just never know what happened. I almost want to say that it’s better that way.
Love is a very complicated topic and it means many different things to different people.
These things do matter, because they matter to you.
Since you mentioned black holes and matter i’ll share a pun thingy on a post i ran into the other day;
“You live, you occupy space, you have mass.
You matter”
“Death by black hole” ha, so I’m not the only one who thinks about this. It seems like most people are still alive because of the potential risks of a failed suicide. People shouldn’t be forced to live torturous lives, it’s just cruel, like keeping an animal in a small, dirty cage there whole lives but expecting them to be grateful because “at least you’re alive.”
Well said.
Yep. I feel like a lame horse that is overdue to be put down…
Very well said. If things weren’t so shitty we’d all have great talents as writers. What is it about the worst of times bringing out the best of words? Normal people go insane trying to write something real, true, honest and pure… while we in misery seem to come up with them on the whim…
I feel the same, wanting to just no longer exist, in any plain of existence or dimension. Why do we have to have only two options: eternal life or eternal damnation? Why can’t we just choose to be snuffed out and our memory erased, even from those we merely pass by?