Sooo… hi. I posted on here for the first time a couple of days ago, and I got so much support and positivity. If anyone who read my previous post is reading this, thank you so much for your kindness. 🙂
And also, if you’re reading this, be prepared for a rant.
In my previous post, I essentially said how my ex has affected my life more than I thought possible. And not in a positive way. To sum it up: I still love him after over a month of being seperated, and I’m pretty sure he hates me. Because of that, I’ve started doing things in attempt to numb the pain his absence brings. Not good things. In fact, they’re the opposite of good. Drinking and drugs is all I’ll say.
Let me say now– I’m 14 (will be 15 in less than a month), and we moved to where we live now last year. It’s been difficult to make new friends.
So, the odd thing is, I only ever knew him online. My ex. It was an online relationship. Having moved, I spent a lot of time online, and made a lot of new friends on there. I dated my ex for almost 8 months, which is the longest either of us have been in a relationship. And for an ONLINE RELATIONSHIP? I thought that was pretty good. But I find it odd how someone I only ever knew online can affect me this much.
Anyways, because of the breakup I started spending more time with people in real life. I met a group of people (sigh, yes, they’re how I was introduced to drugs) and an awesome guy at school, who I started dating. Yeah, I do love him, and I wouldn’t have been with him if I was still dating the other guy. But I feel like I’m still far too attatched to my ex for my own good. I’ve realized it’s not healthy for me to have him in my life (so I blocked him on kik after an argument). But I’m still too attatched, and it’s just so frustrating because I haven’t even met him in real life, so I feel like I shouldn’t feel this way.
I listen to song lyrics all the time that describe my situation (‘gotta stay high all the time to keep you off my mind’, ‘how many nights does it take to count the stars, that’s the time it would take to fix my heart’, ‘nobody can save me now’), and they’re really not helping my mood. There’s so much more to my ex’s and my story that makes my situation so much more painful and complicated, but this is already too much to read, and no one would want to read it, so I’ll save everyone the trouble. And my confidence has dropped! Alike W. T. F. I used to be a pretty confident person in what I would say, and now I’m just… ugh.
What sucks even more is that I have a feeling I’m not going to make it through this. It’s just… I love my friends irl, my boyfriend. But I drink and do drugs with them, sometimes for THEM, but most often to forget my ex. I just have a feeling that eventually it’s not going to work anymore, and the pain of him being gone will hit me so hard, I won’t be able to take it. I feel that in the end, depression is going to beat my will of moving on (no matter what I do to move on) and I’ll end up being in a living hell with no will to live. I know, not just think, I KNOW suicide is going to win in the end. I have a strong feeling it will. I don’t want it to, and I’m trying to move on now, but… I don’t think it’s going to work.
I apologize for that rant. I needed to get some things off my chest.
If you have anything to say, feel free to comment. Only… don’t try to stop me from what I do to try and forget him. Please. It won’t work. And those things are honestly what’s keeping me alive right now.
14 comments
You wrote “I don’t want it to,” referring to not wanting to suicide winning out. Though you may have “a strong feeling it will,” as long as some part of you doesn’t want it to, you can hold onto that and fight the voices that encourage you to do so.
I’ve been almost in your shoes: 2-1/2 year relationship with the woman I thought I’d marry, even though it was a long-distance relationship that started online. When we split — because of my own actions, no less — it had a profound effect on me and was the strongest push toward my own suicide. Somehow, for several reasons, I didn’t.
Don’t get me wrong: I still think of suicide often. But the recent suicidal thoughts have nothing to do with the woman in question. It took me YEARS to get past it, both the split and my actions leading to it. But the feeling did eventually fade.
I don’t know if the feeling will fade for you; I don’t know your mind. However, I’ve read that after a split, it can take as much time to move on from it as the relationship lasted. That is, since I was with her for 2-1/2 years, it took me 2-1/2 years to move on, which was just about accurate (though it admittedly took me a bit longer). If you two were together for eight months, try to spend eight months with your new boyfriend and friends. Maybe by then, the feeling will fade. It will NOT go away, but maybe it’ll fade just enough to get you past it.
Well said as well 🙂 . You’re right about the time needed, took me 3+ years for a 3 years relationship. Even worse is when you’re going from one relationship into another with almost no time in between… at the end that feels like a continuous really long relationship. If i go by the numbers, i still have 5 years left until i recover, lol.
Thank you for your message. 🙂 I hope it doesn’t take that long to move on, we’ll see what happens I guess.
I won’t try to stop you, but i’m sure going to point out that what you’re doing is not good, lol. The thing here is (and it’s a pretty simple thing): since it was an online only relationship, you’re having problem to forget about him because you didn’t fall in love with him, you are infatuated by the idea of him. I know that you’ll disagree with that (at least at some degree), but i’ve been there (we know we’re all different, so i might be wrong here), and it’s pretty easy to see whatever you like or need on the other person, regardless of them filling that role or not (heck, one can do that even with regular relationships). I was on a long distance relationship for 3 years (which started online), and… yeah… not easy, and it really messes with your head.
That said, you’re 14, you have your whole life ahead of you and eventually you might find someone that is right for you, and better, someone that is REAL (even your current bf if you stick with him, which is there right now). 8 months might seem like a lot for you now, but eventually you might realize that it’s a really short period of time. While it’s true that you need a period of readjustment after a relationship, make an effort to avoid mistakes you’ll regret later.
Like i said before i won’t tell you to stop, but you do know that you’re damaging yourself, but… well, we all cope in different ways. I hope you eventually overcome this, i wish you good luck, and sorry if anything that i said bothered you or sounded like a lecture… guess i’m getting old, lol.
Well said, Mf.
Yeah, I know I’m damaging myself. I do. But it does help. Thank you 🙂
U said udw ppl to try to stop u from ur current decisions, so I wont. But I’m gonna share with u a breakup story that no one has ALL the details of. Just between u and me ok? Sigh……
So my ex wife and I married young. So much that she moved over 700miles to be w/me– 10 days after she turned 18 (I was 21). And yes, her mom prior to that had tried to have me arrested for statutotory and child porn (we were long-distance and met online.) Ironically, once her mom got to know me we got along great, and even became close. Oddly, I am the favorite ex now that we r divorced. The relationship, baby, and marriage details aren’t important to what I wanna tell u (unless we email privately and u really wanna know the whole thing.)
Basically, when she turned 21 she went wild, constantly going to the bars with bad-influence work friends all the time while I was at home caring for our baby, not even 1 when this started. And somehow, the allure of other guys took over, causing her to cheat on me with at least 2 different guys. I filed for divorce shortly after she left me.
Here’s the part I want to share with u:
I NEVER wanted divorce or to be alone. I was only25 at the time and was heartbroken and devestated. I confided in my next door neighbor, looking for comfort. Little did I know that she wanted much more from me. About 2 months after my ex left me, my neighbor and I became verrry close, a “rebound” I suppose. It was a shock to everyone, even me, esp since she was 30 years my senior, 2 years older than my mother. But I couldn’t handle being without Nikki, and was easily overwhelmed by my new gf’s affections. And she was very persuasive.
I found out shortly after we started being “involved” that her mood swings and passion weren’t natural: she was addicted to crack cocaine and was happy to convince me to try it. Stupidly, I agreed, leading to an on-again, off-again relationship fueled by drugs. If she wanted to party, I paid and we did. In about a year before I finally cut her out of my life, I had learned to love the drug. Even after I broke it off for the very last time with my gf, I continued for months to have a “casual” relationship with crack… A responsible, single dad from the suberbs. Desperately poor, I still spent a lot on this drug that so many think is cheap. I estimate that in under 2 years I spent as much as $3,000 on crack. It even led me to using heroin at times to combat my chronic pain disabilities. I haven’t used since the end of last November.
I’m sharing this secret with u because I don’t want u to be me. I turned to crack not only to mask the pain of losing the greatest love of my life, but also to make my new gf like me more, despite the probabilities of addiction and STDs so common with that drug. It still tempts me even though I’m nearly a year clean, and only for the grace of God didn’t become addicted. Please take this as a serious warning. Even weed can open the doors to places u don’t EVER wanna go. Take it from me, please, it’s not worth it, no matter how badvurvhurting from a breakup. If u
Jesus, that’s some story. Rebounds are a really dangerous situation to be in (sort of been there… not to the extent you’ve had tho) so avoiding those is the best when ending a relationship. I know your reply was directed to the OP, but i just have to say, thanks for sharing this, kinda re-affirms some of my current beliefs (and i’m guessing it wasn’t easy to write… so again, thank you).
Yeah, it’s not a part of my life I’m proud of…driving into the hood and making “friends” with ur dealer and his gf just to get a better hookup, smoking crack in their kitchen next to a non-functioning stove while all our kids run crazy but no one cares… God must have been watching out for me so I didnt catch any charges. Ur welcome, and I’m here to talk whenever u need to.
Thank you so much for your response. And thank you for taking the time to wrote your story, I really appreciate it. I’m sorry you’ve had to experience that on your life, but I’m glad you’ve been clean for almost a year. That’s good to hear 🙂 As far as I go, I know this isn’t the best thing to do to cope with my problems. If I ever manage to get over him, I will try to stop then. In the meantime, I won’t let anything to extreme come out of what I’m doing.
So I don’t me to bug, ur comment’s been floating around in my head since u wrote me back… U say “if” u manage to get over him then ul “try” to stop. That’s a terrifying plan in my mind, esp given ur age. When I was 17 I met a friend’s sister who 13, and we became involved when I was 18 and she was 14. MANY ppl looked at that and totally didn’t approve in our fwb sitch, which she actually announced we were to even her own mother! She still doesn’t like me. “Still?” u ask? Because we went on-and-off til I was 21 and we r still friends to this day. The only reason we’re not still all over each is cuz I moved 700miles away after I got married. Yes, we both had other relationships, each had a kid. But there’s still this pull and a deep love we share. So no, we never “got over” what happened 10yrs ago in HS, a freshman and a senior doomed. And everytime I’m with someone new, she goes into protective/jealous mode. She would frequently say she wanted to punch my wife in the face, as I was with Jen last before I met my future wife. My point (and I do have one): we’re still crazy about each other and wonder all kinds of what-ifs. So.. what if YOU never get over this guy, just like me? And 2) what if u find when u want to stop the drinking and the drugs and partying, u can’t? Substances r not a light switch that u can just turn off when it’s convienient. I told u my story but there’s more to it, and maybe I made it sound like it was no biggie for me to stop, and I’m sorry cuz my advice wasn’t intended for u to think that and apply it to urself. I urge u to email so we can talk more and let me help. You’re way to young for this shit, and I don’t say that to patronize, but because statistics clearly show the younger it starts the far worse off it’ll end up. I’m offering a will ear and a helping hand, and I hope u grab it.
-T.
*ever need to talk, or even need lies to get u out of partying that’s not cool, dont hesitate to hmu ok? Be safe hun.
Thank you so much. I will 🙂
*”she still doesn’t like me” as in her mother. Sorry for all the missed words, hope u can fill them in and it makes sense.*