Im putting this somewhere in cyberspace since no one in my life would bother to read it if I left it here and I want someone somewhere to know my story.
Ive been alone for so long now that I can barely remember what its like to have an actual conversation and the crushing solitude has crossed the threshold of the unbearable and any hope of rekindling any kind of social connection has long since faded so its time to hang it up (not literally though im way too much of a ***** to do it that way). I don’t know why people find it so horrible to be with me or to talk to me or even be around me. While reading through other peoples posts I found a lot of ‘betrayals by friends’ and I found myself envying even that. Something, anything. And I don’t mean that to sound like im worse off then you, if I made it sound like im trying to make it a contest im sorry but you probly hate me anyway. Im used to people hating me but at least this time those people will have a good reason. Im so desperate for human contact, physical or emotional, that accidental eye contact on the street or a strangers knees hitting mine on a bus will make my week. But I don’t blame them, the people around me. I realize that fault lies solely with me. Because of who I am no one will ever be able to love me. No matter how I try I just end up pushing people away, regardless of how desperately I want them to stay. The only girl I ever loved was in my life 8 years ago, now im sure she doesn’t even remember me because of the creature, monster I am yet I still think about her every day. Every time I look down the road into the futures theres still the same image; me, falling deeper into the endless chasm of isolation. When theres not a shadow of a doubt in your mind that’s what waiting for you in your future whats left to stop you. Since theres no loved ones to leave behind I can end it with a clean conscience, I feel sorry for those of you who make yourself continue your suffering because you don’t want to hurt others, its one of the most noble and kind things anyone can ever do and no one will even know you did it. My parents don’t love me, at least not as much as they did my brother so when he died they got stuck with their second choice and I can see it in their eyes everytime they look at me that they has wished id been the one. Ive hung on as long I as I possibly could but it gets clearer and clearer everyday that things are never going to get better. The worlds turned its back on me and nothing will ever get it to give me another chance, not that I wouldn’t fuck that chance up anyway. So once this pathetic existence, if you can even call it that, is over itll be as if I never was, no ones life will be any different or feel any effect. And hey, they’ll even give my roommate A’s for the semester as is the roommate death policy here so at least one good thing will have come from my life. Its very fitting that the only good thing that came from my life will have been from my death. Don’t feel sorry for me, im the happiest ive ever been now that ive made this decision. I know theres going to be plenty of you who will hate me for putting up a story that has suicide as a good ending but what can I tell you, in my case it was. I think suicide is a terrible ending if it happens out of grief from loss or traumatic event or something like that but when your like me and you’ve spent countless hours thinking about this and making your decision and your final conclusion is that you do want to do it I just don’t think anyone has the right to stop you. Well that’s it…
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Sorry you wasted your time reading this
8 comments
Please don’t suicide!!!!
im crying and i dont know you!
just wait…
I didn’t waste time reading this, i actually enjoyed it and can relate to your pain. I have been betrayed numberous times by friends and in the end i gave in to the hatred,pain,misery and did the betraying. A vicious cycle. I agree that it’s better to experience anything than nothing, you have my sympathies.
I’m glad you have found what you are looking for. I’m not one those people that will talk you out of it because it’s your decision and it’s obvious that you have suffered alot in life. Sometimes suicide is the way to go, sometimes it’s too much and too late.
I hope you find peace brother.
I don’t know how to begin my response, so I’m just going to jump right in to what I want to say: Have you thought about how you would commit suicide? Do you have what you would need to carry out that plan? Have you thought about when you would do it?
I know that this website gives a link to it, but you may not have read it. I sincerely want you to read http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/, and hopefully something in there will help you. I’m not just giving you a quick referral; if you want, you can e-mail me at alexia.del.france@gmail.com, or if you have any instant messengers, my MSN screenname and my AIM screenname are the same as my e-mail address, and my Yahoo! screenname is decayedbrain. In case Suicide Project won’t display my website, it’s http://www.myspace.com/ratard. I know that talking with a stranger can help, and believe me, I know EXACTLY how you feel.
You are NOT stupid, foolish, weak, sinful, manipulative, crazy, flawed, a bad person, or any of that just because you want to kill yourself. You’ve done the right thing in trying to contact another person. Suicide is not the answer; getting help is the answer. Hold on to that part of you that is unsure of killing yourself, and tell yourself that you’re going to wait 24 hours, or a few days, before you act upon your feelings.
I’m really looking forward to you contacting me.
I’m not sure what to say. I honestly feel horrible that you had–you continue to go through that. I’m here to talk if you would like. I promise, I love talking to people and listening to them. However if you want to commit suicide, then I will not try to talk you out of it. I respect you’re decision, as I have felt the same way before. And I don’t hate you, I didn’t waste my time reading it. I’m glad I did. If you genuinely want someone to talk to I genuinely want to talk to you. Anyway, I don’t want to waste your time but please feel free to email me anytime, don’t hesitate.
email: harber_a@yahoo.com
Hi, Sounyou have had difficulties, and rilghtfully so. But you may be misunderstanding your parents “look on there face.” They lost there son. They are in so much pain, I am suprised they are not writing. Can you over come your needs. Your Mom and Dad are sad. They are upset and if you kill yourself, your Mom and Dad will be divestated. they love you so much, they are just so sad, they would love to cry, and hold you. But you are turning away from them. Making them more sad. If I could hold you and have you as my daughter I would. We all love you so much.
I hope you didn’t go through with this.
I’m older than you, but am much like you.
People have never liked me and I don’t know how to be around or interact with people.
I always come off awkward, strange and wrong.
You probably have much more of a future and more potential than me.
But my heart goes out to you.
i am very much like you.i sincerely hope you’ve got an end to all ur pains.if u r sumwhr reading dis..plz help me in achieving dat end too.tell me how i can kill myself.
Just like you I’ve spent countless hours making my decision and weighing the goods and bads of life… my reason is different from most on here so I won’t bother telling my story although I feel extremely guilty knowing people are going through pain I can’t imagine. I believe like you said no-one has the right to stop someone who’s made there decision that it’s what they really want, I look at your words and make it clear to myself that you as every single one of us holds a story that no-one could possibly read in their lifetime… only the writer of the book has the right to decide how it ends.
Wherever you are, what ever you decided to do and what ever happened I hope you are happy.