So, the synergistic forces are closing in on me. I am not in a panic to end my life; in fact, I am worried that I will be somewhat excited when I do.
I have body dysmorphic disorder; people say my body is fine but I do not believe them. And then there is my career, which did not pan-out as I would have wanted. And then there are the bills I cannot pay.
So, yes, I am clinically depressed. I have a few methods I will try when I finally do try.
I just worry. That whole “accept Jesus” thing. It is upsetting to me, ultimatums, you know? I mean, I believe in divine creation, I marvel at the most beautiful and simplest things, but the whole Jesus thing is tough for me to wrap my brain around at my age. I think I accepted it a long time ago, but now, there is much doubt. My faith is not up to speed. So when I hear other humans tell me I will be damned because I do not believe, it makes me angry. Just chalk-up my doubt with all the other misery in my life.
I want to disappear. Just like I have done my whole life. I want to just fade. It is what I have been doing my whole life, so why can’t this be any different.
And, oh yeah, I told myself eons ago, a very long time ago, that I did not want to live in a world of complete anarchy/Mad Max scenario. I made that commitment with myself because of x, y, and z factors. And now it seems we are going headlong into that. I don’t want to be apart of it. If it comes down to punching someone in the face for a cheese sandwich and me dying, I prefer death. I don’t want to punch anyone in the face. The economy is a slow train wreck and I am tired of watching it.
It is tough, this life. I am searching for a new faith, a faith that assures me of salvation upon suicide. It is hit and miss. This article got me started a while ago, which I shall share here:
(I am linking an old page because the current one is not found, but the article is here.)
3 comments
Well I thought the premise for Christianity was that as long as you accept Jesus as your savior and acknowledge that he is the son of god sent to earth to die in atonement for mans sins so that me may escape being condemned by god you are most likely going to go to heaven. I’m not a Christian so I’m not 100% sure and I bet different denominations will say different things on the matter. But truly believing in Jesus with one’s mind and soul is definitely a prerequisite to getting into heaven. So you can’t really fake it by saying I believe in Jesus so I’m going to heaven as it will be God judging you and he (or she) probably will be able to tell if your faking it or not. You really have too mean it. So if you believe in Christianity than I would get in touch with your beliefs and rediscover god and see if that works for you. You can try getting on your knees and praying and try to open up a relationship with god or speaking with a pastor. I don’t think arbitrarily picking a religion that best suits your interest is the way to go as most of the gods don’t like that. Find one that feels like it holds the most truth for you and follow that path. Try praying to an ambiguous god and see if you get pointed in a direction as if I was him I would want to help you out.
I understand your trying to ease your fears of dying so I’m going to offer you an alternative that works for me. I do not believe in a god. Have not since I was probably around twelve so I’m not a nonbeliever because of my current state of mind or because it presents a less scary or better alternative than any religion. It’s what I think is the truth though admittedly I could be wrong but like I said, it’s the answer that calls to me. I think that when we die it is a truly nothingness existence. Like being asleep without dreaming and more permanent. It will be like life was before you were born. No pain, suffering and no worries. No happiness, fun or laughter either so this may not be the mindset for you but it is an alternative really look into and as Isaac Asimov said “Although the time of death is approaching for me, I am not afraid of dying and going to Hell, or [what would be considerably worse] going to the popularized version of Heaven. I expect death to be nothingness and by removing from me all possible fears of death, I am thankful to atheism.”
Ultimately you should look into many beliefs and find out what works for you. Attend churches and temples and try and get in contact with God. Maybe you will find a happiness and peace with this that I was never able to despite trying to this day, though others have been much more successful than I. Good luck.
New Faith? Christian Gnostics believed Life to be nothing but a prison made by an evil Demi God called Yaldaboath or aka Yahweh (the christian God). They believed that only Gnosis(englightment) could set you free and escape the cycle of reincarnation. Jesus knew this and tricked Judas into killing him and laughed at the apostles because they followed the false God. IMHO Gnosis is just accepting oblivion or the desire to be one with all(so you are set;)
Me?I’m an anti-natalist. http://antinatalism.blogspot.com/
I do not believe in “being here”, so i def do not want to condemn another life to existence (children). You say you are afraid because you will be damned? Everything in life points to a meaningless existence.
The only tragedy about death is that it’s taboo. The need to die is “unnatural” and everything against existence is heretic. Well one million people a year kill themselves, the “suicide gene” is def natural.
goodluck man. (btw thx for the link)
Have you read this person’s story: http://4herway.com/4letterword/index.html