After my first attempt, someone told me that something like 75% of people that attempt suicide and fail will attempt again and by successful. Now I am sitting here alone in my room, already have made my plan and I can’t get that statistic out of my head. But honestly I can’t seem to get anything out of my head these days.
I’m not sure if I want to go into my “reasons” for doing this because after psychiatric counseling, mental wards, rehabs, and etc, I’ve realized there is no point in trying to explain a reason. I’ve been told there is no reason. Suicide is a selfish act they say, “the easy way out”. Whoever says suicide is easy has no idea of the pain that leads up to an act like this. It’s a black hole, an endless pit that breaks past the very idea of pain and sorrow.
I have been thinking about this for the past 2 weeks or so and every time I make a plan or decide to finally do it, I get this feeling. I feel so high. It’s the best feeling I have ever had. And despite all my pain I have had some amazing feelings whether it be true love or the best fucking drugs money can buy. And despite my rationality, suicide seems logical. I know how crazy this may seem to people who don’t understand, but it just does.
There is a phrase that for some reason has haunted me for as long as I can remember. In all my writing it seems to continually come up. It sneaks up on me like a shiver.
I am not meant for this world.
I’m not religious, but I guess you could say that I am spiritual and although I can’t define what life after death is. i have faith that while I may have made mistakes in this life, my heart will guide me in the right direction. And I know that my heart is true. My heart knows that this is the truest thing that of all.
Now, I’m not saying that suicide is right. I have no authority to decide what is right or wrong. But I feel I have exhausted all my options. Counseling, religion, psychiatric drugs, rehab, AA, NA, my art, my writing, friends, family, money, drugs, alcohol, sex……the list goes on so far but my fingers are starting to hurt and things are becoming more clear.
This is it……
I’ve considered writing notes to everyone that I care about, but I don’t think that I could ever express my love for the people in my life. And I don’t think it would be fair to them to try and explain all of this and that is why I am telling it to the anonymous internet. I know I will cause them pain but I know that living any longer like this will only do harm. I am on a inevitable path of destruction that is set to take down everyone in my life.
There is really nothing more to say. It’s funny to think that these are all the words I have. Seven paragraphs may seem like a lot to you, but for a person who has never been lacking in words…seven paragraphs is well, nothing. But thank you for those who have read to these final words. I hope that you never will come to this point. I hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel and realize that you have options. Most of us do, most of us will somewhat fufilling lives. But for me, this is my light, this is my way.
Goodbye and good luck…..