I cut myself tonight. Pretty badly actually. I haven’t cut myself for nearly six months. I was actually feeling really good today, but then everything just kind of fell apart. Nothing of censequence really happened to make me feel this way, it was just a bad mood swing. I wasn’t really thinking at all when I grabbed the exacto-knife from my drafting and jabbed it into my arm, I was bleeding worse then I ever have before.
But now I’m just really pissed at myself. What the fuck was I doing? The bleeding is starting to slow down, but I feeling kind of light-headed.
I’ve never cut on my wrist before. The only scars I have there are cigarette burns, which are easy to hide or explain. But how the Hell am I going to explain this? I usually wear long sleeves anyway, but if someone sees the bandage, or, God forbid, the wound itself, I’ll probably end up in the psych ward again. Not to mention what people will think of me. I hate it when people know how weak I actually am. 🙁
5 comments
I’m sorry that you feel that way. I feel the same way too sometimes. I sometimes feel like what is the point? Life is just full with a bunch of bullshit but then I remember the ones who love me and how bad I would hurt them if I were to actually do it. It’s not like I want to die and I’m pretty sure you dont want to either. I just want the pain to go away, But eventually it always does and then life gets better. Life is a rollercoaster you never know whats going to happen at any moment so enjoy the time you have here with your loved ones that care about you and if you need someone to talk to im here and I will listen and I wont judge you.
You are not weak at all.
Having a brain chemistry that can flip your moods and thinking around at any time is not anything that is your fault.
Just how your mind works.
All you can do is try different types of treatment, medication, and herbs to keep yourself on track.
Hey Ashley,
Im so sorry to hear about this, but the main thing is you are okay, so lets move beyond this.
A couple of things if I may?
– What were your thoughts like before this event? What was the trigger perhaps….
– For now dont worry at all what others think, rather get some good medical help to heal the wound. No GP can committ you, just tell them it was an accident…try figure something credible.
Come have a chat …. always happy to.
Get Better okay …
Hey guys, sorry it took me so long to respond.
Thank you all for your encouraging words and advice.
I am doing much better now, despite the fact that the cut is still healing.
I was able to contact a friend who is willing to be discreet. He’s in medical school and he patched up my arm better than I was able to. He knows I’ve had problems in the past and we talked for a while. It was very cathartic.
@adastra- To answer your question, my thoughts before the event were actually very happy. Like I said, I had been having a pretty good day. There was no trigger that I can think of. I’m thinking it was just a very bad mood swing.
I ‘like’ the sound of your friend …. both that he helped you medically and also was willing to talk.
Many problems we have are thought problems.
Take Care