Is there something wrong with me?
Am I…?Â
Insecure
Self destructiveÂ
Afraid to grow up
Nervous
Delusional
Crazy
SchizophrenicÂ
Proud
Dissociative
DilapidatedÂ
Narcissistic
Misaligned
Inoperable
Anorexic
FailureÂ
DisappointedÂ
Nostalgic
ConflictedÂ
Non-committed
Addicted
Afraid
Fearless
Normal
Perfect
Relentless
Depressed
Suicidal
Genius
Mad
Insane
I am!
There is something wrong with me!
I want to be committed to cure my ailments. I am of clear thought of body and mind for all pertinent matters. My fear of seeking help is loss of respect from my family, social status, future, but most of all, my 2nd amendment right to bare arms. I shall stand naked holding my weapon of choice and I will not relinquish it use to anyone. I observe my flaws and defects. I know I am an unfortunate. But I will not surrender my weapon or my mind. Possibly one in the same.Â
I feel as though when life is real I have to let go. I lose all control. I run to my home, the bottle, pills, smoke, whatever. I find comfort in my disillusion and illness. I panic and have a break down of all that is perfect and sane. I cannot handle the best that reality has to offer. I am flawed, broken, crazy, whatever I may be; but I am not helpless. Hapless, maybe, but my lack of grasp on reality offers insight and intellect only one can hope to grasp in a lifetime.Â
The mumblings and rantings of a madman or a glimpse into the mind of an idiot? I kill myself just to know if there is a heaven or hell. I revive myself to turn away from the light. I kill myself just to know that I’m not missing out on life. There is nothing to live for, more to die for.
Somehow, I have this survivalist mentality and refuse to be beaten, but I defeat myself from the inside out. I cannot be mentally or physically broken by another, only myself. I will give my life for another, I will take a life for another. I will kill to watch one die, I will kill myself to watch me die. I will kill myself just to take the pleasure away from you. I will fight to the death for my life. I can out last anyone. I am an animal! I am a machine! I was built for battle! I only wanted to give my life! I offered it! It was there for you to take! You had every opportunity and chance but you let it go… Why must you make the perfect honorable death into a miserable lonesome suicide? I should be grateful for what I have. I have my limbs, I have my health. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why? Why can I not have any happiness? I can be given the world, but I need the xuniverse. Pity me, pity fucking me! I sound like a fucking emo fag that needs to be ***** slapped back to reality. How bad is my life? Not bad. Do others have it worse? Yep. A lot worse? Oh yeah! Then why must I complain and wish for death? I can have all the happiness in the world surrounding me, yet there is still that stagnant air of suicide within my lungs. There is nothing more that I want than to give my life for another. Everything about me is conflicting. Â I’m racist! I’m prejudiced! I hate fat people! I hate skinny people! I hate handicapped people! Too many thing to list that I hate, to sum it up, I hate!
2 comments
Wow I know all to well how you’re feeling. When I feel life is real all I can find comfort is in death itself, to me it’s the only certainty and I need that certainty. I wish at all times that I too can sacrifice myself for others, not because I really care, but that I am strong and that can prove it to myself. I to hate almost everyone I have like 3 people I don’t mind in my life. While I don’t have to much of solution because i too feel like I can’t get out of feeling this way. I go home and instead of harmful things I try a hobby or activity I used to like, even if it seems devoid of enjoyment now, I do that while listening to my classical music and I feel like I can feel for something outside of myself, that and this site is about the only things keeping me here…
Your a fighter. You will not go down by the hand of another. That’s excellent. Nothing wrong with that. But you forgot to mention, your human, and humans can be flawed. I mention this because in the past I felt as you do.
When I speak of flaws, I do not refer to your extensive list, I am referring to the brain, which may be missing some critical drugs….yes, I said drugs. Not the ‘buy on the corner’ but natural body producing drugs. Again, I’m speaking about me as well as you.
I went to my doctor (medical, not a shrink) and shared my thoughts with him and he gave me ‘Citalopram’. A nice little pill I take each morning, and my brain is not my worse enemy anymore. Oh, I still have days of hopelessness, but not nearly as often. That was 10 years ago.
Your life is filled with challenges and some of them really suck….just read the entries on this site. But, if your brain is not producing the proper chemicals to keep you balanced ( no fault of yours) then the list you gave at the beginning of this blog is easy to feel.