I am writing this down for its (hopefully) therapeutic value. My hope is that upon reading this over I will realize the inherent ridiculousness of the position being advanced by this tract and be able to move on with my life. Here goes nothing.
I want nothing. I would rather not exist. I would rather never have existed, but since this is impossible, I wish to die. I do not want to hurt anyone through the cessation of my existence. I simply want to not exist. I have lived for 24 years and the only happiness I have ever felt has been fleeting and momentary. Would I have chosen to be born had I known the way of things? That question cannot be posed; it is contradictory and irrational. I am now going to be irrational and answer the question. No.
I look into the future and I see more of this. I have never revealed this secret to anyone and it does not look like I ever will, at this point. If I did reveal this to anybody, I can already envision the response it would engender. Pity, guilt, remorse, sympathy, empathy, all things I can do without. For knowledge of these psychological states within another’s mind would simply cause them to reflect back on my own state, and this I do not need. I feel a strange sense of peace when I face the feelings I am expressing in this tract. Foreknowledge… I am Kierkegaard’s Knight of Infinite Resignation and the only happiness I have ever known has stemmed from the illusion that I had attained the status of the Knight of Faith.
I cannot kill myself. To do so would be self-righteous, though secretly I don’t blame victims of suicide. If no one cared, I would do it. HOWEVER, if no one cared, I WOULD HAVE NO REASON TO DO IT. This is my purgatory.
Was all of the above an elaborate lie? A rationalization of a feeling which lacks tangible merit? Who can I express this to? I think this whole thing is pointless, and I’ve had a lot of time to think it over. Imagine how someone else would react to it?
Alright, found a website. Here goes nothing again. A word to anyone who comments: I am not clinically depressed. I am not suicidal. I am bipolar (or so I’ve been told) but I control it via willpower. I am looking for the following:
- Acknowledgment that I am onto something real
- Refutation
- I don’t know. I’m done.
5 comments
I think all you need to know is that you are not alone in this unfulfilling feeling of life. Humanity as we know it today is fucked up basically.
@Zmoney; I think the only meaning to life is the meaning that individuals attach to life as it pertains to them.
Religious folks think it’s all about serving god.
Hopeless Romantics think it’s all about being in a relationship.
Workaholics chase the allmighty dollar.
Parents live vicariously through their children.
Junkies need one more fix.
Politicians/leaders control the hapless masses.
After you’re dead and gone you (and I) will be forgotten by 99.9999% of humanity.
I suppose the secret to life is to give in and participate in the futile quest to prolong your existence for as long as possible. Take pleasure in crap that doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, and become a drone that doesn’t over analyze everything. This approach seems to work for the “well adjusted”.
Adjusted to the dominant paradigm. I wasn’t even trying to be sarcastic, yet most people interpret my “normal speaking voice” as vitriolic rhetoric. Whatever. Sheesh. Just tring to help.
You’re not alone. (Unless I completely mis-interpreted your post). Peace.
Humans are animals with the ability to use tools better and so advance technologically.
Just another part of the chaos that is the universe.
Meaning is an invention just like everything else we use.
Except that it is only practical for delusionary purposes.
Outside consuming, eliminating, and fighting for resources there is truly nothing.
You can either
A: Change your perspective and accept life as it is and participate like everyone else
B: Go against your conundrum about suicide and end things
C: Continue pondering as you already are.
D: Go natural and only answer to the law of nature.
Even the terms of the philosopher you mentioned actually lack and real tangible and useful utility.