that numbing feeling

I haven’t cared what has happened to me for years now. I have been living with this silent recklessness, if that’s what you want to call it, for far too long. I will stand in the middle of the highway hoping someone with change lanes and i will get caught in the cross fire, i go for walks in the middle of the night into the dangerous places in town in the hope that i will be ‘in the wrong place at the wrong time’ and get shot for seeing something or just provoking someone. I don’t use my brakes properly in the car, i turn every corner too sharp, i drive 20k’s over the speed limit 30 when it rains. I don’t care what happens to me but i don’t want to take responsibility for my own life. I want to die and end it but not by my own hand. Or so i thought for the last 4 years. Something snapped in me the last few days. I have lost it all, all my hope, my future, i spend all day thinking of the most convenient and sure way to die. Today the only thing that stopped me from killing myself was the thought of not being able to do it properly. I spend the majority of the day in tears, i can’t sleep, i can’t put my mind to rest, i am tortured by stress, anxiety and evidently the thoughts of a peaceful ending. My body and mind have become numb, i don’t feel anything, i no longer have any empathy for anyone or desire for anything. I don’t want to live anymore. But the only reason i am even making this attempt is because one of the few things i care about is my friend megan. I could hear the distress in her voice as she started to piece together what is going through my mind. I don’t want my actions to spend her down the same path, but she is stronger than me.