i have had many suicide attempts, and i will share them all eventually, but this is one of the more recent ones, and it is the one that disturbs me most..
i had been feeling bad for a while, things were getting on top of me, i was living with my boyfriend in a really cramped flat, it was summer, and a few things happened, i had a minor fit of paranoia when my friend tripped me up at the pub he didnt mean to, yet i saw it as he did, i was feeling abandoned, and lonely, i didnt want to be with my boyfriend anymore, but everytime i tried to dump him he would start to cry, so one day, my fucked up mind, said that the best way to solve everything was to kill myself, so i planned what pills i was to take, a mixture that i thought would ensure death as i had logically planned it all out, i had written the suicide texts a few days before, so i was ready, i waited until my boyfriend was at work, and i took all the pills, and sent the texts, i wrote my boyfriend and my best friends a personal messege, and as i waited to die, i was writing in my diary, wierd little haikus and poems, and i got a couple of texts back, my notes wernt saying i was killing myself, they were me saying thankyou and goodbye, so people didnt instantly understand, one text from A said how this was out the blue and sounded deep and that he would ring me when he finished work, one from R who totally miss understood, and i had to hint a little more, and one from AD who was worried and confused, R called me as soon as he realised what was going on, and spoke to me, but i was just saying how i had done it and it was too late, then my boyfriend J phoned, i wouldnt tell him what happened, but M who was one of our best friends and who J works with, received a text, and then he called me, i told M what i did, and he and J came back froim work, early, i was almost unconcious, by this point, and they got me into the bathroom and opened the back door for air, then they called an ambulence, i very drowsily managed to walk to the ambulence, but was very travel sick on the way to hospital, which in hindsite was a good thing, Â A rung me when i was in the ambulence, i spoke to him, first thing i said was ‘im in an ambulence’ he said ‘have u cut yourself’ i said ‘no’ and he asked ‘have u over medicated’ i replyed that i had, he knows me too well… i was very high by the time we got to the hospital, and i remember laying in the bed, morbidly pleased at how many of the beds id been in before, and AD,M,and J were with me, it was awkward when Js parents came to collect him as i didnt want them to kno what i did, after blood tests and monitering and an overnight stay,which was bad, coz of the od, my body was trying to reject it, so i was peeing every half hour and i felt really light headed.. i saw a psych nurse, and he assessed me, now maybe the fact i was hiding in my fort that id made, when he assessed me proved im a bit unstable, but he told me to go to my gp, and later i was released,J met me at the hospital, and M’s mom and dad came to take us back to the flat, i met up with AD and A when got back, i went to the pub that night, and news had spread and my friends said how they would have missed me, and A’s sister said she had never seen him so worried, i found out that alot of people cared for me, and that made me stronger, i stayed at ADs house for a few nights, before breaking up with J and telling him why i tried to die, i feel bad coz of the guilt he felt for thinking he was the reason, when really it was just my fucked up mind not being logical.
please, if u are considering suicide, please dont, there are people who will miss u, even if u dnt think there are.. i promise there are,
thanks for reading and im sorry it is so long