I have never in my life interacted with another human who understands how painful my everyday existence is. Â No one understands. Â I’m terrified to even post on this, for fear of being exposed. Â Superficial empathy can be found anywhere. Â It can be found especially easy upon the lips of the proud. Â I have seen too many people “reach out” as a last hope, only to be ostracized and ridiculed. Â People are harsh. Â This leaves only the option of attempting to survive the evening, yet agin, and hope that the deep sorrow becomes numbing sooner than later.
Certainly, I would think, that there is someone out there who can comprehend this deep pit of sorrow and utter self-hatred. Â Are there truly any options to ever decrease the pain? Â I have searched my whole life for a remedy to my defective heart and mind, but have yet to find one. Â I honestly believe that my hope, for an easier tomorrow, diminishes more each day that time goes by without relief from my own mind. Â It never stops.
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I found one person who understood and I didn’t fully appreciate having her until it was too late. She killed herself in December. I feel like it’s only a matter of time before I do the same.
I used to have hope. I used to wish that I would just feel better. I’ve tried so many so-called remedies. Nothing helped. Now I just wish to be dead.
Isn’t that a scary thought? The one person you ever found who comprehends your turmoil, killed them self. I can’t help but to wonder why folks like us (who feel such despair) exist and what we are supposed to do with all of this pain.
The person I care about the most in this world feels exactly how you feel. Myself included. And my friend is the only one who understands me exactly. He’s the only person that reminds me I’m not alone in feeling this way.
I’ve tried so many things to get rid of this anguish within me(my friend too) but it always, always comes back. And it hits harder than the last. I was getting hopeful when I started feeling better. But now I know better. It will never completely leave and I’m going to live with this probably for the rest of my life. I am starting to accept this part of myself. One day I will kill myself due to this depression.
Hey k.d.d., it’s hard. We don’t know what we don’t know….I often feel lonely and am the only one who could possibly feeling the pain and emptiness I do but as your post indicates, I’m not alone. My life is not stellar but the parts inside that feel better are the parts I’ve practiced and worked on consciously with an intent to feel better. Learning about the Law of Attraction really helped me. Took me a good month to reap the benefits as I had to re script a lot of the self talk I had going on and my general attitude. I learned to get out of the way and let go and trust the information and get positive. Even if I didn’t feel it, I kept telling myself nothing was more important than, that I feel good…and from that place I’ve learned to be my best own ally. It’s the toughest relationship we will have is with ourselves. Good luck to you. Take care.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder, stemming from CPTSD. Even being fully aware of this “malfunction” in my head, it makes it no less painful and devastating. I have participated in cognitive behavioral therapy off and on since I was 5 or 6, yet (even with the intentional re-wiring of the neurons in my brain to counter act the improper wiring in childhood) I still face this recurring despair. It always cycles back around. Some cycles are longer than others.
Softsoul, I completely agree with you that the toughest relationship we will have is with ourselves. No one can hurt me quite as well as I can.