I don’t know where to turn.

This year and last year have been hard.

I found out a couple of  horrible things about my birth parents and family.

I’ve spiraled down ever since that and I’ve relapsed with cutting.

I’m extremely insecure and I hardly ever go out in public except for school.

I’m a shy, secretive person.

It’s hard for me to stick up for myself.

I let people take advantage of my kindness.

I hate how unassertive I am.

I bottle up my feelings because I can’t express them to people.

I’m ashamed of my scars.

I believe I’m too emotional at times.

I’m constantly down on myself because it’s normal for me.

At my old school I was on the swim team and it was the best thing in my life. I loved swimming because of the way it made me feel. I was great. It’s unusual for me to say something positive about myself, but one thing I know is that I’m a great athlete. I switched into a small therapeutic school and it has been pretty helpful, but It upsets me that I wasn’t able to swim anymore for the school team.

I’ve always thought my junior and senior year in high school would be different.

…

It takes me a long time to trust people and to open up just a little about my feelings. I’ve only trusted two adults in my entire life and one of them is out of my life now because she was working at the hospital I was in.. and well, yeah I got discharged. I was close to her and she helped me work through some difficult things. The day I left the hospital, I was upset and not wanting to leave. I honestly think about her and the times I talked to her in the hospital.. she made me smile when I was feeling down.. she made me laugh.. she made me feel better. It hurts me to get close to people because I know there is a chance that they could leave or reject me. The second person is my social worker at school. She has helped me as well and I hate thinking about the day I graduate. I know that after that, I will be even more lonely than I am now and will return to my bad habits of punching walls and cutting. It’s my second year at the therapeutic school and I still have a hard time opening up to my social worker and it angers me. I can’t deal with it.

I’m just upset, helpless, hopeless, angry….etc.

I’ve been suicidal for quite a while, but I’ve been hiding that and I plan on keeping it a secret.. I just thought that I should try expressing my feelings in words.. on here.