Thoughts about life from an emotionless person

So, i found this site and thought: Why not share some of my thoughts here? First i must say, that my english isn’t too good, so boring, repetitive and easy sentences will be written here. Now let’s begin.
First some information about me: I am completely healthy, i have good grades even though i don’t study for it and i don’t have financial problems. However i probably have a Schizoid personality disorder. At least i fit exactly to all descriptions you can find about it. Also i am very bad at sports, only moving a bit exhausts me, i can’t walk for a long time and such. I am not really fat, though.
There are many reasons for me to think the only way out is to die. The most important is, that i don’t have any emotions left in me. Well, at least not any positive ones. There is a certain kind of negative emotion which isn’t really strong anymore, but still present. I talk of despair. But before i come to that, i want to talk about what it means for me to be emotionless. As i said, i don’t have any positive ones left in me. So whatever i do, and i mean really whatever i do, i don’t feel anything positive from it.  Anything i liked to do in the past has become more and more meaningless for me, leaving me with not a single thing which can make me happy anymore. Playing games, listening to music, reading books, watching tv, doing some sports or such things have become nothing more than a waste of time for me, eventually leading to despair. So basically whatever i do, i can’t feel it. Well that is, although the worst, only one side of being emotionless. The other side is that usually almost the whole life and everything you do is emotion based. Friendship, love, family. Having dreams, the urge to achieve something or the will stay alive. People act because they are rewarded with postive emotions if they do. Of course, it can go wrong and they’ll feel bad afterwards. But that is the price of being able to have positive emotions, to feel happy. I usually don’t feel bad. How could i? When do people feel bad? When their hopes are crushed, when they can’t do what they like, when having problems with love and so on. I, being unable to hope, like something or love someone, won’t feel bad because of these. And because every bad emotion is caused by a loss of its positive counterpart i am pretty much imune to bad ones. People could die around me, war could break out, the world could end, i wouldn’t care, at least emotionally.
Now why is this so bad? As i said before almost everything people do is somehow emotion based. It’s their very reason to live. People tend to always do what is best for them. Usually this means becoming happy through living. This is what i call the reason of life. But the only way to become happy is through emotions. When you live and act, you feel emotions and become happy. That’s why people want to live because that’s the only way to feel emotions and stay happy. But i can not do that. Life doesn’t have any rewards for me for doing anything. People can do things they don’t like or hate, because through doing so they again will become able to do things they like. When i do anything it only leads to despair. Some things, which i am not good at or are simply nothing someone would like (like cleaning, hard work or whatever) lead to despair faster, some things like those which i once liked to do lead to despair through the “feeling” of disappointment of not making me happy anymore.
The conclusion is that doing anything, which actually means living, because you can not live in this world without doing something, only leads to despair.
So let me specify despair a bit. My despair is a state of absolute hopelessness and finaly also the urge to end my life. I know, whatever i do will only make me feel bad. I don’t know how this could ever change, so i know that even if i somehow make it through these hard times, it won’t get better. I know i will always be alone. And finally i know, when living only leads to despair, or at best to no feeling at all, the only rational consequence is that NOT LIVING is the best option for me. As i said before, i think the reason of life for every person is to do things which are the best for themselves, which is usually living and feeling emotions through various actions. So for me, my reason of life is to die, because that’s the best what can happen to me. The only reason i am still alive is because i haven’t found a 100% secure and as painless as possible method yet.  Unfortunately being emotionless doesn’t make me stop feeling physical pain. And this world doesn’t make it easy for people who just want to die.
And there are a few more things which make death so interesting for me. First, i want to know what happens after death. While nothing which i can experience on this world interests me anymore, death is the one thing you cannot understand unless diying. Second, i always thought of fantasies where i am a different person in a different world, where everything is better than here, or at least my perception makes it better. And maybe after death there really comes some kind of afterlife. I don’t belive in it like religious people but i don’t say it’s impossible. And even if death is only the end of everything and nothingness follows, it would be better than living.