Depression…

My name is Jessica. I am 13 years old and I’m a very sad person. I’ve hurt loved ones, been hurt, and been abandon by the only people I’ve trusted.

When I was 6, my parents split up. It was a very hard time for my brother and I. He was only 8. I don’t really remember much, just one day I came home from school and my father told me that if he and my mom got into one more fight, he was leaving us. The following day, he kept his word. They worked out custody and all that, and I lived with my mom and my dad got to see my brother and I whenever my mom allowed him to, as long as he payed child support. I used to see him about every other weekend, during the holidays and spend all summer with him. Now, I don’t visit him much. There’s a sadness in my heart from where he was been torn out. Sorrow. Despair. My mom tried to replace him for me with her boyfriend, but he hit me. I’ve hated him every since.

When I was in 6th grade, my friend, Cailey, told me a secret: she cut herself. She told me that it takes the pain away. I took that to my knowledge, kept in mind, and remember that the next time I got hurt, to try to cut.  I had a boyfriend, at the time, Leighton. He made me so happy, feel so free. Then one day, it all came crashing down and he broke up with me. So, I cut. Out of curiousity. Sadness. Hurt. I did not like it though. I didn’t touch another blade for months.

After my relationship ending with Leighton, I met a guy named Jedd. Sweet, kind guy. I knew I wouldn’t have the same feelings I did for Leighton, but I figured it was worth a shot. As I grew closer to Jedd, I learned secrets about himself and his family. He and his brother smoked weed. I did not have a problem with this, because I didn’t think it was a big deal. I mean, I’ve heard of people smoking, drinking, having a good time. We were young, so why did it matter then?

I was sitting at home with my friend, when I got a phone call from Jedd’s brother. He invited my friend and I to meet him down the street to smoke. I agreed and we met up with him. I smoked, as well as Jedd’s brother and his friend, but not my friend. That was the first time I had ever felt alive. Nothing was wrong. I was so high up, nothing could touch me. I was finally free from everything.

Then about a month or so later, Jedd and I broke up because I kissed another boy while I was with him. I did not feel that quilty, though I should have. But the boy I kissed, I had always had some feelings for since I first saw him. Love at first sight, I guess you could say. His name was Che. We started talking more, and he was so loving and sweet. I felt as if he was my bestfriend, that I could tell him anything. He asked me out and I said yes.

I fell hard and fast for this boy, Che. My whole world revolved around him. By this time, it was almost the end of my 6th grade year. When summer came around, I was proud to say he was my first love. I would have never traded anything for him. He was my world and as long as I had him, nothing else seemed to matter. But Che smoked pot as well. He wasn’t so into it at first but the deeper and deeper I got into him, the more he told me. He started smoking a lot. It still didn’t bother me.

On July 16th, 2011, age 12, I lost my virginity to Che. Some may say I’m a whore, I don’t care. I loved him. It wasn’t very special though. 4 other people were in the room.

Then, when my 7th grade year started, August of 2011, everything went down hill. I cheated on him. He would avoid me at school. I sent him nude pictures and his mom saw them and called the police. All charges were dropped, thank God, but it still scares me of what could have happened. Everyone at school called me a whore, a cutter, slut, *****. Anything, you name it, I was it.

In late September, my mother ended up finding out I had sex with Che, about me cutting and myself smoking weed. I was grounded for about a month and my mom worried about me a lot. My mom didn’t seem to care if I still saw Che, but Che’s mom did. She did not want me to even talk to him. But we found our ways because I still loved him & always will. But I still did cut myself. It was my only way to escape. Feel free.

Early November, I cheated on Che again with a 15 year old. I had sex with him and the cops got involved because of his dad. Once again, all charges were dropped. I’m not the kind of girl that sleeps around. That was a one time thing and at the time, I had no contact with Che so I felt lonely.

Che found out and broke up with me. I was heart broken. I didn’t know what to do, so I cut. Everyday I would sit in my room and cry and cut myself. For months, this with on to become a daily routine. I convinced myself that I WAS a whore, to believe anything anyone said about me or to me. I felt as if no one wanted me and no one cared. I tried to commit suicide 4 times, each time failing, obviously. I just wanted all the pain to end, no matter where it took me. Just to stop it.

A couple of months later, early Feb., I realized I cannot let this pain go on, so I found methods to get over Che. Drew away pictures, getting rid of anything that reminded me of him. It worked. But I was still suicidal. My mom put me in counseling, which I thought was a stupid idea. I still, to this day, think it is.

I have now found a new happiness; his name is Logan. I do love him, I do. But I hope if we breakup, I will know how to cope better than I did with mine and Che’s breakup. I would never do anything to hurt Logan, I’ve learned my lesson.

I am currently still in counseling, but no longer suicidal. I still cut, rarely, but it happens. I have reminders marked all over my body of who I used to be & who I am slowly changing into. I stopped smoking weed, as well. Things have gotten better, yes, but I still wonder who I would be if all the shit I went though would not have happened. There is not a day that passes that I regret a thing. Maybe things could have been better, but at the time, that was what I wanted. Everything happens for a reason and you only live once.

I’m trying to live life to the fullest with my new love, Logan. If you would like to know me better or have any questions, feel free to add me on facebook, or youtube, or ask me anything on tumblr. I’m always here to help;

http://www.facebook.com/jessicamugica.michaelkelly?ref=tn_tnmn

http://loving-unforgivably.tumblr.com/

http://www.youtube.com/user/19jess9011?feature=mhee

If you need someone to talk to, please, I’m here. I want to save lives because I know what it’s like to have no one. <3