I know I keep posting…basically I guess I am trying to get my thoughts,feelings out before I die. I dont want to be saved,Im too far gone at this point. I think as I draw closer to the end I just need to purge this poison as much as possible….so bear with me. Or dont,I guess no one needs to read this. Dont necessarily need a reply.
Had another huge fight with BF on phone last night..still refuses to come back home,now trying to say he wants to talk to my therapist first. he keeps threatening to stay down there and never come back. His goddamn parents mean more to him than anything,and he wants to spend all of his free time and birthday with them. Im nothing to him. I keep telling him over and over that I hate him,telling him to go to hell and how miserable I am. I keep telling him how close to death I am,he just rolls his eyes(on Skype) and acts disinterested,says “well that would be unfortunate.” I even took some of my pills on the phone with him last night,he didnt even care,just told me to go to sleep.
At least,having sucked down 3 pills quickly,I know that I can do it. It wasnt even enough to do ANYTHING other than make me feel like crap right now at work. But,it was enough to let me know I have what it takes. Pills plus EB w/wo H should do the job nicely.
I wish I had a live person that I could talk to,without fear of being belittled or threatened to go to hospital.
It doesnt matter anymore. Just a few more days,and peace everlasting.
7 comments
Even if you don’t need a comment, know that you are being heard. But are u sure yr doing this for the right reasons? Only asking because it sounds like part of it is you trying to get a reaction from the bf. Well if you want a real person to talk to I can offer an ear. I have free international calls until the end of the month. Might not be much help though.
Your bf doesn’t sound really nice to you. Are you sure he is the right person for you?
Don’t let the situation with him make you feel worse and find something else to put your engergy in.
You can always talk to me if you want to
Thank u guys for nonjudgemental replies….no sarcasm,I mean it 🙂
I’d like to talk but feel its pretty useless at this point. But if u guys really want to bang your head into a wall,feel free to email me and we can go from there. Email is stacelynn121@Yahoo.com
Hey Sunbird i don’t think we’ve met before, but i can already tell that you are a wonderful, caring and beautiful person. Why are you forcing yourslef to live in hell, when you could have a beautiful future right in front of you. You’re an amazing person for sticking with somene like him, most people would have long left him, but yet you stay by him. I’m not being judgemental but i’m saying that if he doesn’t care if you take pills would he bother if you really did die. He’s the one that has done something wrong why are you taking the blame?
I’m here if you want someone to talk to.
Take Care and Stay Strong x
It’s alright, post away! Feel free to post as many posts as you need to get your feelings out, we’d much rather you get them out instead of bottled up. I hope we can help you rid the “poison” and keep it out…
:/ Sorry to hear about the BF. I can’t believe he is so distant( both physically and mentally… ). Doesn’t seem like the best bf if he doesn’t acknowledge your pain and decides to stay with his parents the WHOLE time… Sorry…
Taking 10 pills is different from 3 pills… but sorry you felt like crap at work today because of it. I won’t tell you what to do or anything like that, but I do hope you find your strength( I know you got some in there 🙂 ) and can carry on… Either way I do hope you can find some happiness and/or peace.
It sounds like he’s a real asshole, and you are way too young to let unrequited love push you to the brink. I have obviously thought about suicide because I’m here often reading and occasionally posting, but I have never (and I’m over 40 and have been in quite a few relationships) let someone know they were the reason for my misery. If you can will yourself to act like you don’t care, the next thing you know, you won’t. Even if you feel horrible, just pretend like you’re ok. Just try it, then the next thing you know you’ll be w/someone else and wondering why you thought he was all that in the first place. Just try it if you can, and see what happens. You might be surprised!