I wouldn’t say I want to die, or commit suicide. I just feel like I don’t want or belong to this world. I’m seventeen and I’m halfway through my a-levels, the only place out of this dump and I’m not getting through it very easily. This place is horrible. It’s so unambitious and it eats at me. My dad’s messed up from the result of his past drug issues and is on medication. He has serious mood swings, and when I get home from school I fear seeing his car on the drive or the kind of mood he’ll be in when I get through the door. At the moment, he’s okay, following a lot of abuse towards my mother (non-physical) and she needs me to be on good terms with him for her sake. But, sometimes, the pretending gets too much. I can’t handle it. They’re so messed up, and it’s wrecking me, myself. I’m only young, and I thought I was ambitious and smart and on the way to a good career. Now all I see is this dark and unknown future. And maybe it’s better not to go towards it at all. I can’t even be in a relationship or look at a guy in the street. I’m always told I’m attractive, and I’m not…’short of offers’ but I have so many problems and sometimes feel like an experiment from some cruel, unknown upper hand. I just don’t know anymore. I’ve got my friends but I never try to get to know more people. I end up getting scared and running away from the guys and people I like and it seems like I’m leading them on. Maybe everyone’s better without me. The term ‘damaged goods’ definitely applies. My brother even went off to London and parted on bad terms with my father, leaving my mom and me to deal and put up with his aggression. He doesn’t even bother keeping in touch. What have I done to deserve this? I’m a good person, I know that much, and I’m never rude. But inside I’m screaming and shouting and on my bad days I’m haunted with darkness. I’m so messed up, in my own quiet way. The only way out is making something of myself, and I’m barely managing with my subjects. Maybe I’m worthless and I know I may be told otherwise. But think about it, I’ve nothing to offer. I don’t even know what normality is.
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The mere fact that it’s wrecking you is you saying to you ‘look after yourself first’. You have no control over what’s going on with your folks. You may be well intended but if you’re feeling the way you are, your spirit is saying…’hey..yo, we come first’
We help each other by telling the truth and being honest with ourselves on all fronts. When we make this choice we have the courage to be honest with our loved ones because it comes from an authentic, real place within yourself. This is important.
If something is bothering you, let it out…otherwise it gets bottled up in you. Do you deserve that? Are you worthy of that kind of experience? I know I am not. Rationalizing will be of no service to you either. That’s good you recognize they’re messed up and that you want things differently. So continue to be honest with you, and how you want to feel. Do not let the situation dictate or allow you to 2nd guess how you want to feel. Your happiness is not dependent on whether or not your dad is feeling good or not..although it would be nice. You must make a choice about how you want to be, how you want to think and feel. There is great power when you choose to make a decision amidst the circumstances you’re faced with. Life is 10% what is going on and 90% how you choose to respond to it. Make good choices for your well being, you’ll find you can navigate things much better without anything weighing on you. Lots of not so great things happen to lovely people like yourself all the time. You are not alone. Sending you good vibes…focus on being gentle with yourself and solutions. Imagine how you want things and place your focus there, not on what you are currently having to deal with. Hope this helps. Cheers!