fucking insomnia

i cant sleep, its not working! its like 4 am where i am and I CANNOT FUCKING REST IN THE SLIGHTEST OF FASHIONS. you would think after having insomnia fro 4 years i would know how to deal with it, but i dont i just get angry and frustrated then waste my days in a fuzzy, sleep deprived blur. people complain about missing one or two nights sleep and im just there being like ‘dude nto only did i cut myself and consider suicide last night but i havent slept properly in over a week’. and when i do sleep.. bad things very bad things go on inside my head. its easier to be awake, im happier when im awake even though im incredibly angry and depressed. i take pills for it, theyre more expensive than our family can afford and all the do is trap me in my dream state unable to escape the horrible things that are in my head. they prefer losing the money than being woken up by screaming more than once a night. it sucks, i wonder if death is easier..