I guess the time is almost here

Well, I am new to this site. I have been suicidal since I was 12 years old, or that’s the earliest I remember, since at that time I made notecards about me, in preparation. I was planning to write letters to everyone I cared about. Now I am 17 and I am still planning on writing those letters. The reason I haven’t committed suicide yet, is because I didn’t want my mom to hurt. Now, she just got diagnosed with cancer. I am scared and worried of what might happen. Incase anything happens I notified 2 of my friends about what has been going on with me, and they will try to help me if the worst were to happen. I know, you must be thinking “You have friends, why would you commit suicide” or something like that, but the truth is I have been dealing with self hatred due to being bullied since I was 12, and have only had one friend until this year. This year I became social and made several friends, but I am still not close to many of them, and only hang out with a friend once every week or two on average, except in school. Right now I am feeling very numb, I wish all my pain would end. Deep in my heart I know I want to live in hopes of changing myself (I am an optimist) but I can’t stand the pain. Do you think I should see my school psychologist, could it possibly help me? Anyways, sorry about the length, I really needed to vent my emotions.