Still alive… -_-

So I’m not dead. Apparently the gun show does not permit loaded weapons, it’s only staring at guns and ogling them and done. No test firing or anything… -_- So I’ll be alive. 

I’m going to ask out my cousin Jasmine. Going to ask her if she’ll be my secret girlfriend. A term I’m using since she has feelings for me as I do for her. I’m going to ask her next time I see her, but I don’t know when that will be. She saved me from choosing death, I have a chance with her. 

I don’t believe in God, but in this past week I thought everything was going great, until I found the underlying truth in most of them. Jasmine is the only good truth.

It’s 120 dollars per person per table at the gun show, and no loaded guns nor a shooting range. 

I feel bad that I didn’t go with my mom to visit my aunt, whom’s baby just turned one, but I find it boring to go to a child who doesn’t fully comprehend a birthday party and have fun there. Especially since my past experiences with birthdays make me feel distant and out of place. I’m not used to birthday parties. When they sing happy birthday, I leave the room and drown out the singing. 

Anyways, my cousin and I love each other. I don’t know whether incestuous relationships will happen, but I love her so much, don’t want her to get hurt. She’s going back to Chicago in May, probably when I GO too. Back on track for suicide after she leaves. She’s the only reason I want to live, and not spending time with her, is unbearable… 

I’ll make use of the time we have together. I hope I can make her smile throughout the last month of seeing each other. As for my method of death? I’m not sure. Anyone ever try tying a rock to your foot and sink? Would that work? Well, Jasmine,  I am in love with you. And I’m sorry for what I’ll do when you leave.