42, lost, and really unsure where I belong, or even if I do belong. I bring to much pain to me and others

Can anyone relate? Can anyone understand? Am alone?

I am 42, and have battled with success and failure all my life. I am a high school drop out, who has struggled my whole life, but have always held roles in the financial sector primarily mortgage related. A few years ago the industry was totalled with the fall of the economy, and many blame it on mortgage’s and I cannot disqualify this. However I have always walked the line, doing what is right, and what is honest, while watching those around me, become wealthy, and having no concious. Sometime I really regret, being the stand up guy. I raised my two children myself, as their Mother left when they were 8 months, and 18 months old, and they are now 21 and 22, and I am now a Grandfather. About two years ago I remarried to a wonderful woman, who just I think see’s me  as me, maybe, I am really not sure. I certainly do not think I impress her at all. ANd feel lately like she is just here because we are married (many persons reading this may think that is not the way western women think, and that is true, but my Wife is from the Philippines, and has only been in the Country for about 8 years, and in her family, and in her culture divorce is not legal).

My Son lives out of car that I can nolonger make the p-ayments on, my business is falling apart, and I cannot seem to do anything about it. My closest so called friends who I made partners int he business, have done everything they can do to wipe me out, and I recently found out that I am diabetic and insulin dependent. I use to be able to escape the reality of my pathetic existence by havint around 15 beers a night, but can no longer do that. My Doctor refuses to give me anything for my anxiety, and nothing to ease my pain at all. I do not eat like I use to, or feel like I can accomplish anything at all. Anymore I take the daily kicks in the teeth, and look at my Wife, when she gets home from work in nothing but shame. I spend my time at work, with this low deep, anxiety and pain, I doubt anything and everything, and feel as though I would benefit everyone if they just had to deal with the pain of my loss, and call it done.

I have noone in my life I can talk to, I cannot talk to my Wife, I do not want to scare her, or let her know how far bad off I am. She is strong but sensitive, and I cannot scare her. My Son and Daughter only take advantage every chance they get, and my Mother, is dying, and my Father ambandoned me, when I was around 22. I have nothing left except my WIfe to live for, and the most important thing in the world to her is to become preganant and to have a baby. In two years of marriage she has not been able to become pregnant and has recently given up on even trying. My WIfe and I have not been intimate for the last month or so, and even if she had an interest in touching me which she does not, I doubt I could even rise to the challenge as man should, or could, I fear I am broken.

In about two weeks, the last of the money we have will be spent on rent, and, I will not have a way to get my medication I need (insulin to live), and, I think I am okay with that. There is no medical assitance for a person who is my age, and not disabled, and I think I am going to let the illness just take its course. I have thought everyday about buying a gun with the money that is left for rent next month, and just calling this deal done. I am lost, I cannot find my way, I am not even sure that there is a way for me. I know a lot of people have it much worse than I. I think of persons, who suffer illnesses that I cannot even imagine, and yet they live for life, and find happiness in the small things, and live for the moment/minute, not me, I cannot find that place. I am sickened with self pitty, doubt, dispare, and a frustration, that is almost impossible to understand, I am constinitly, nearly in tears, when no one is around to know. I find I am handicapped from rising above were I am at. I only know that what ever lies behind, or after live if anything, can not be as bad as watching my self wiether away, and watching others in pain seeing me in pain that is of course those who can see through me, even, though they do not say anything. If anyone can understand were I am at, can understand the intense pain, and fear, and doubt, I would really like to hear from you. I cannot be alone in how I feel, unless I am and in which case then maybe i am worse than I thought.

I found this site today, and not sure what the outcome will be or why I poured my soul out to a board of what I have no idea to believe is anything. Is this a cry for help, and if so how is anyone going to help me, what could they possibly do or say? I do not kn ow, maybe I just neede to vent what I cannot bring my self to say to anyone.

To anyone who has taken the time to read this, I pray my pathetic self, has not caused you any further dispare, as I am sure if you are here you are feeling as I do, and have pretty much resolved that there may only be one option left, onely one worth, bringing any release, or any possibility of ending the constant pain and anguish of what has become the existence I bare each day.

Bill