Barely Holding On

I don’t understand how all these little things can hold me back. Make me feel afraid. Too afraid to actually go through anything, and I all can manage is to hurt myself.

She’s one of the reasons why I’m holding on. She makes me feel so happy when I’m with her, and whenever I talk to her, I just end up smiling. I forget the rest of the world and I just want to be with her, always talking, somehow always communicating. Cause she’s one of my lifelines making me stay here.

The endless possibilities. The curiosity of what life will be like if I stick through this. Will it suck? Will it be amazing? Will it make me glad that I didn’t go through with it? Or will I always think about doing it? Out of all the things that are holding me back, this is by far the biggest one that makes me feel weak. It’s like why can’t I just get over the fear of the unknown? Instead of just fighting everyday and enduring all this pain and agony in the hopes that I’ll see something greater than all this, what if I just ended it? Wouldn’t it be great? Wouldn’t it be amazing? I just don’t understand.

And for those of you who have made it past the stages of teen agony and drama and depression and hatred, is it worth it? How did you manage to survive living under an oppressive household where everything you say and do has to be watched? How did you guys hang on for so long?

Even with these lifelines holding me back, I feel like I’m losing my grip every time my parents and I fight. I feel like I’m falling down into a dark hole and there’s no way out until summer break’s over. And I fear that it won’t end soon enough… So what did you guys do to survive?