Hate, depression, constant crying, constant suicidal thoughts, constant self-harm. Who am I? I wish I could remember but the image of who I used to be gets fuzzier, and fuzzier. Had I known I would feel such loneliness in the future, I would have ended my life on that faithful April 27, 2006. I’m surrounded by many who claim to love me, yet in my mind I’m trying to deal with the fact that I’ve been abandoned by everyone. Maybe I have and everyone is just pretending to be nice, all I ever meet are extremely nice people, and I can’t help but love them. I recently started getting extreme fear of abandonment. I have friends who say they love me, that they’ll be there for me. So why do I feel like they all left? I have no idea why I feel so alone. I don’t think it helps that I isolate myself from them in the first place…I guess I’m hoping the end result will be that I leave them before they leave me? Somehow I feel like this is all in my head. An illusion? My mind is too messed up to tell anymore!
Lonely, and with no one to talk to, what do I do? I have so many thoughts in my head! I would love a friend to tell me it will be okay, a hug would be amazing right about now! I can’t! I love them, so why would I bother them with my pathetic problems, my feelings are not worth the pain it may cause them. If that’s the case, I truly am alone, no one to count on. Don’t get me wrong, I have completely opened up to someone…he’s not here anymore! Where did he go? I think he found someone better, he disappeared, I’ve been abandoned, its my fault for telling all I did. Others asked, and being weak enough now to break down in front of people it was easy enough for more people to find out the truth about me. They’re there for me they say! Where are you, please help me? I feel too abandoned, too scared to ask you, so please force it out of me! No one is there…
So what’s left for me to do? I find myself crying at least once a day, and fight the urge to cut every waking moment. I think up different methods of suicide just waiting to hit the point where I’m finally brave enough to go through with it. I sleep throughout most of the day, most of the night in order to not have to face anyone or anything. I take adderall in an attempt to keep up with my school work, those days, those nights are sleepless; but to a point I feel calm and almost happy. Now I also skip classes, don’t eat, don’t turn in my work on time, don’t have fun, don’t communicate because I feel like it’s all for no reason, and I would fail at all this anyways. Stupid decision after stupid decision convinced me, that it’s best for me to not wake tomorrow. There’s no point afterall to anything from my new perspective. Music lost its melody, and my vision lost its colors, sweets lost its taste, and the meaning of I love you, lost its meaning. Waking up, and realizing I’m breathing and alive is the most depressing news I face everyday. Who would have thought making it to 20 would bring such rejection, I sure didn’t, and most is my own mind verbally abusing me. I never knew it was possible to hate myself so much!
2 comments
Suicide rates in Miami are ridiculously high. Ur on the verge of the biggest decision of ur life. Please don’t make up ur mind hastily. Take a step back from the brink of death temporarily at least in order to re evaluate your circumstances. I’m sure the people around u do love u as u say. So take a breather for their sake for a week or two.
I’ve taken more than a month at this point. Around a month ago before my first class I decided I wanted to OD on pills, but as I did this I kept looking through pictures of friends and family on facebook. I only made it 25 pills before I broke down and decided I couldn’t do it cause I loved them. Still I felt miserable and I planned to try again two weeks later, I bought a bottle of 200 aspirin, but somehow I suddenly felt happy and like I wanted to give life a try so I changed my mind and didn’t go through…later on in the week the feelings came back, so a false illusion, and everyday I feel worst :'(