There have been several good episodes in my life, but as I look back I realize that the good ones would last just for a little while and the worst ones go on for years or will be there for the rest of my life.
A little more than 8 years ago I had a terrible car crash – I should be grateful about having survived with almost no injuries, but sometimes I wish I had died instantly instead because even prior to that I was a lonely freak and later on everything just got worse and worse.
So then I went to university and slipped deeper and deeper into alcoholism and loneliness. Although I knew literally more than a thousand people I was feeling more and more miserable. As usual I was unable to find a partner because I would cheat on them even if we’ve just got together and sometimes I would not even start to try anything because I have never been feeling good enough for anybody.
A few years went on that way and one day I’ve got offered to participate in an art project – it failed due to the financial crisis and at the same time I’ve got fired, had to move back to my mother, so basically my head just went nuts, almost overdosed on various stuff and it all ended up with becoming a thief and almost getting jailed. Had one year on probation and I really hated it – because I’ve heard that many get thrown into prison just because they don’t manage to get a job and I did not, so basically I’ve spent a whole year scared all the time and my self-esteem would just go down.
One really good thing happened right after my probation time ended – I’ve met one of the greatest girls ever, we had such an amazing sexual connection I’ve never experienced before, after half a year we were dating actively. Then I had my first real trip aboard. But then the next junk happened to me – I’ve got terribly beaten up by some strangers, lost one of my front teeth. Around the same time I’ve got offered a job – finally, after two years I had a job but I had to leave the town I was living and the girl too for a while.
That was the first time ever I had a job that I actually loved – I enjoyed it so much that I was even thinking about moving to that town forever, getting my own appartment (I was living with my sister then) – I got a replacement for my tooth and was once again able to feel sexy again. But then after 3 months I get fired and was being replaced by a student to whom that guy did not have to pay a salary.
WHOA – so I’m back at my mother’s house, all my plans about having my own appartment ruined, desperately seeking for a job already for 4 months now, the girl was dating somebody else already.
I was all fine with this situation at first, I’ve tried coping with it by “being positive about the future”, but then one month passed by…two months passed by…three months passed by and I caught myself writing suicide letters instead of positive stuff – there is nothing to do in my town, no jobs, the same people all the time, I have to ask my mother for money and I’M ALMOST 27 YEARS OLD – I sleep in a single bed, I have never ever taken girls with me at home and so far I have dated only one in this damn town. Not that I would look awful – actually I’m real hot when it comes to getting attention but my mental state would ruin anything.
I feel like a complete looser, I cannot go to live elsewhere because there just ain’t no jobs around I would fit, but on the other hand I freakin’ don’t want to be at my mother’s house at my age – it’s really freaking me out, so basically I spend all the day outside walking aimlessly around, sometimes taking a walk in the woods and when I go to sleep I cry like I’ve never did before. My sex drive is below zero.
I have been suicidal in my past several times but it feels more and more realistic right now.