Love lost

Thank you all for answering me means alot
My love is still very much alive I just can’t have him.
I’m getting help I’m having thearpy at the moment and she says in fact I’m grieving even though he is not dead.
I can tell you my story if you like but it is long so I will copy and post it from other post if you don’t mind cause you may not of read it.
I do feel like I’m always reapting myself but if the pain is still there then I guess you still wanna talk about it.

Ok is such I long story but I will try and make it compact which means I will have to leave out a lot of details.

When I was 17 I was dating this amazing guy. After only 8 months of dating he aske me to marry him I said yes he bought me a ring. Then he went back home I live in London he lived in yorshire about 5 hour drive away. We was going to see each other a couple weeks later but he got home rang me and said we were over. I was heartbroken. went out with another guy who broke up with me cause I was still in love with my ex. Met my husband when I was 19 on a drip to Belgium fell in love even though it was not the same. He is nothing like me at all or my ex but I think I liked that as my ex hurt me. got married when I was 21. 6 weeks befor the wedding I admitted to my best friend at the time that I was still in love with my ex and I should try and find him. She said so close to your wedding its the past you got to let it go and be happy etc etc. Got married moved to Belgium where husband is from. Was lonely as my inlaws and hubbys friends hated me. Had my daughter when I was 23 got postnatal depression. Then my husband told me about his abusive childhood. His dad beat him his sisiter sexaully abused him and he sexually abused his niece. I confronted the family which got me in a lot of trouble and I OD. We moved back to my home London. My depression has been bad since then. I have been a leaning post for my mum all my life she needed me to cope with her depreesion and I was never allowed to have problems cause my dad said we must not upset mum. So I went from the frying pan to the fire. A life time of trying to fix mum to a life time of supprting hubby who really does not want to be fixed. Does not want to go out and have fun and be with family wants to stay home and play video games. Everything familys do reminds him of the past. Then 3 years ago found my ex on facebook and found out that when my dad took him to the station all that time ago my dad threatened to kill him if he got near me again I was to young etc etc. That he was and always had been in love with me. Can’t believe how many time he tried to get in contact with me before he finally gave up and married someone else. I can’t belive my dad did that he could of told me when I was 19 he was still trying to contact me. My dad says it was for the best he was not the one when I aske him. We had to 2 years of friendship but realized how much we were playing with fire. We still love each other and we connect on some strange level I have never had with anyone before. We never had sex but came close to many times. We stopped contact a year ago. I just feel I had no control over my life. My parents should not of done that and ny husband should of told me thinngs before we where married. If I didn’t have a mother who came from a abusive childhood and expect me to be there for her 24/7 but was actually there for me instead it would be easier to cope with a husband from a abusive childhood. This way I’m everyones rock and nobody is my rock and the 1 person who can be my rock I can’t have. That makes me so very bitter. This only touches the surface but I think is enough for now lol!

Jules xx