So my brother thought he would sit me down and have a long chat with me about all the mistakes i am making in my life because i obviously don’t see it.
Usually when he starts his criticism rant i just walk off and that’s the end. Except this time all i could do was sit there. I have a broken leg and my crutches were strategically placed away from me. Also how can i walk away on crutches… very slowly and he’d just follow anyway. Plus i was living in HIS house at the time so it’s not like i could go anywhere.
Although i am sure he means well, we have just rekindled our relationship and i was JUST starting to feel comfortable around him again.
He doesn’t know anything about my life, but he thinks he can still see all the mistakes i am making. He pretty much criticised me  the whole time and told me to change.  He also had some VERY WRONG theories about me, my boyfriend and even my new friends.
He doesn’t understand that what he said hurt. And our relationship is going to suffer again since i am just going to shut down on him and keep to myself like i used to.
However now he feels MORE comfortable around me and often says things that although may not seem bad, his tone and the way he brings them up just seem awful to me.
Example. I haven’t been able to exercise at all for about two months because of my broken leg so i believe i have put on weight. Which sucks because i already feel self-conscious enough even without the cast. My brother got me alone in the car the other day and said “now.. I don’t mean to be rude but…” -This is what he always says RIGHT before being rude
“But we kinda need money from you, we can’t afford to have you stay here and well.. You’re a VERY big eater”.
I was planning on giving him money anyway but it annoyed me even more that he says they have no money when they have just brought a new hot rod, go out to dinner twice a week and order things off ebay all day. Plus i had previously stated that i feel trapped since i love exercising and now i feel fat and depressed.
I was very depressed at his house because i felt useless and completely trapped all day. I hate that i have to rely on others too so i was at breaking point and if my niece wasn’t there i would have been cutting everyday. He also complained about this and said “I wish you would stop being so gloomy over nothing all the time. It’s really annoying and not like you”. Shows how much he knows me!
I shouldn’t complain because he was nice enough to take me into his home but it was at a price.
Thought i got my brother back but now i feel like i have lost him again.
Re-reading over the examples and it looks like i am just being ungrateful and a bit over sensitive but it was his tone and lack of sensitivity that made me upset. Â I hope i don’t come across as whiny, i guess i just really needed a rant.
7 comments
There is nothing quite like a family system is there?
No Matter how old you get your family can still have this role for you to play, they force it on you.
Good luck
You have a fair grievance about his rudeness and criticisms … but just like he doesn’t have a right to criticize your mood, you don’t really have the right to criticize his finances … don’t “lose” your brother over petty stuff.
sibling dawg
I guess to others it may seem petty but the history between us suggests otherwise.
I will not put up with someone criticising me constantly, that is not who i am. Especially since he doesn’t know all the facts, unlike me who knows all about his financial burdens since he tells me often.
I guess what i am trying to say is that it’s sad when someone can only see faults in others and doesn’t analyse themselves.
If someone asks you to change for them, then they are worth losing.
I figured there was long history – I know there is between me and my sibling – I should have followed up … I knew “petty” was the wrong word to use … I apologize for appearing to minimize the hurtfulness of criticism.
I agree that it’s sad when someone only sees your faults … and while i would agree that most people who ask you to change for their sake are worth losing … I disagree when it comes to family unless it’s only an extreme circumstance … distance maybe … but as I interpret you post, ‘distance” isn’t a realistic option for the moment for you being in a situation (that I perceive) where you need his assistance.
Perhaps the next time he says “I don’t mean to be rude …” you should abruptly cut him off and say … “then shut your cakehole because you ARE rude and you DO mean it!”
Again … apologies … just trying to add perspective. Please feel free to rant on 🙂
tight lipped dawg
Just so you know, i am a very blunt person. Sorry if that last comment seemed a little ‘mean’ but that is just who i am. And i agree that people shouldn’t throw away family. But people mean nothing to me. I like certain humans but other than them i don’t really care for others. When i begin to dislike someone i usually lose interest in them and don’t really care for them unless they make the effort in the future.
I don’t care enough to try and make him act different for me.
I just know that ‘we’ will never be what we once were.
We used to be so close but i was the one putting the effort in.
He needs to learn that his way isn’t the BEST or ONLY way.
People are so annoying. It is much easier when they are accepting. I am very different so i get this a lot.
I have learned not to become to attached to people, because most of them are disposable. I guess this even applies to my family. Doesn’t surprise me.
No need to apologize … as I said, I worded it improperly so your response was justified.
i believe family gets a little more leniency than the average joe … but we can also give them harsher reactions 😉 unless, of course, they’ve committed so egregious offense in which case then, while I might forgive them, only then would I “dispose” of them.
Of course everyone is different. As for the average joe … i give everyone a “neutral” rating when I meet them … their behavior going forward determines how close to me they will get … nobody automatically gets full trust and respect unless they earn it and prove worthy.
but that’s my way
highway dawg
Like you said, you are a blunt person…well, have you considered the fact that maybe his critisizing you is his way of saying that he cares?
My husband would tell me to stop being such a drag when I was depressed…but HE NOTICED that I was depressed, and let me know that he noticed.
I think you should take comfort in knowing that your brother isn’t blind to your depression…
Now, maybe you should express how you feel to him, because I’m reading your posts and I get the feeling that you keep some of your feelings inside, maybe because you are living with him and don’t want to be disrespectful, for fear of him throwing you out?
Maybe you should call a family meeting, and the rules are as follows:
Everyone has a chance to relay what they are thinking, but one at a time, and nobody else shall interrupt while that person is talking.
That way whatever the speaker is saying will be heard.
Foul language and yelling are NOT allowed during the meeting, and if it occurs, then the meeting will end until everyone has calmed down.
This is just a suggestion, so I don’t expect you to take it literally, and become offended, thinking I’m bossing you around, which I’m not, but communication is key to having a healthy familial bond, and without it there will be negativity.
Anyway, I hope your leg heals without issue, and that you have a wonderful weekend.
<3