None Left

The long, sad story of my self-hate and depression:

I know there’s something wrong with me.. i feel there’s something wrong with me.. there HAS to be something wrong with me. I miss my old self. I miss being normal. I’m just getting more and more pathetic day by day. I can’t really explain what’s happening to me. I try to make sense out of it and i can’t. I’ve heard there’s a period of self-hate during life, but it’s just been getting stronger and stronger. Maybe some people just never grow out of it?

To break it down.. i’m a useless piece of sh_t. I have no talents. I have no skills. I’m incredibly socially awkward and I have few friends. I’m 20 years old and have never kissed a girl in my life, much less had an actual relationship. I don’t see that changing.. well.. ever. I’m fat, unhealthy, and unattractive. Most the people I went to school with think i’m a loser, including myself. I’ve been at a university for 2 years now and haven’t made any friends. All i basically have to live for is my parents. The only reason I haven’t killed myself by now (even though i’ve experimented with suicide a few times) is because i’m worried about what my parents would do/think when they find out. My only goal in life is to make them happy. I can’t do that by killing myself, but how happy will they be when they realize i’ll never get a good job and will never provide them with a family and kids of my own? How can I take care of a family when i can’t take care of myself?

So I’m not blaming the Lord, my family, my friends, or anyone else for the state I’m in right now. I’m the one that’s f_cked up. I’ve hit a mental and physical rock bottom and I don’t have the motivation to climb back up. I just don’t see the point. I’m not worth anyone’s time. It’s all my fault. I’m not good at anything. I’m not good FOR anything or anyone. There’s really no reason for me to be alive. I’ll never amount to anything. I just don’t see the point in me living anymore. I don’t want to.. so why do I have to??

Prior to moving away to finish college (2 yrs ago) I was a generally happy person. I loved how my life was going at the time. I liked the community college i was attending, i saw my friends and family every day. I was mostly happy with myself. All of that changed when I started attending the university that i’m currently at. People always say something along the lines of “college: the best years of your life.” I never thought that meant the worst, most life-changing years that you will never be able to recover from. But apparently that’s just me. 5-6 quarters later, i’m living in a 2 bedroom apartment by myself, and my physical strength, endurance, and sanity have all but disappeared entirely. I’m 85% sure that i’ll never be the same person when I move back home. I’m so f_cked up in the head.. i don’t really know how to explain it, but i’ll try.

Every day i wake up, i feel like a completely different person. I don’t really have a memory anymore. I’m so worried about money that i haven’t gone grocery shopping in over a month and live off the scraps of food that i find left in the cupboard. I normally always have a minor headache. I’m paranoid. I feel like there’s always something i’m doing wrong. I just hate myself. I’m starting to hope that the doctors will diagnose me with some mental disorder so i don’t feel so messed up.

So to summarize all of that, i guess, i’m really out of it, physically, mentally, every which way. I’m damaged goods. I’ve gone off the deep end never to return. I don’t see any way I’ll ever recover from what i’ve done to myself. I used to look forward to being done with college and moving on to the next phase of my life, but now i don’t even look forward to that. I’m scared of what’s going to happen next. I just want to die. I don’t want to go through this self-mental torment anymore.

Last but not least, on top of that, i think i’m stuck here. I used to think that the Lord was somehow testing me. I wanted him to have some kind of answers or reasoning behind all of this. Instead, my mom has been really sick the last 3 weeks and hasn’t been able to leave the house. But that’s not all. Someone i knew from back home, a close friend of my brother’s, a really nice, fun, all-around great guy was diagnosed with lymphoma and passed away just a week ago. Great people around me are getting sick, dying, and suffering, while a useless, disgusting, near inhuman person like myself, is doing “just fine.”

It’s been over a year now that i’ve been wishing i was dead. Why?  At least let me take the place of my family and friends and bear all the sickness, suffering, and death for all the people that want, and deserve, to live a wonderful life. Take me. Kill me. I don’t want this anymore. I just want to die.