I want to cut desperately.
I want to feel, to control my own pain.
I’m alone truly alone. I don’t feel anything anymore. Nothing makes me sad or happy anymore. Nothing’s funny. Everything’s just empty, blank.
I cut myself a couple weeks ago with a razor it was an honest accident. I loved the pain I got from it though. For the first time in a while I could feel. For the first time I was in control of my own pain. I felt something other than emotional bullshit.
I ache for that feeling again but I can’t bring myself to do it. I seat on my bathroom floor with a razor to my skin but I can’t find the courage to bring myself to open my skin. You don’t understand how much it pisses me off. I want the pain so badly but I can’t do it. I’ll seat there but I can’t push and pull the razor against my skin. It frustrates me so much.
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2 comments
I’m curious & confused maybe you can elaborate a little bit more.
when you say you like the feeling of “pain”and the fact that you can control that feeling. is it an adrenaline rush feeling that you’re feeling after you cut yourselif that’s so good or is it the control factor over something in your life that makes u happy????
The first cut is the hardest.
Do it quickly. More of a scratch than a cut.
The body’s natural response to pain will soon follow. The body will numb enough to dull the pain, but not enough to hide it.
You’ve got it wrong, though. It’s not the pain that feels good. It’s the endorphins that pump through your body when you bleed. They give you a high, like a drug. It occupies the mind, takes it off the emotional pain. It replaced the physical pain with a sense of calm.
And it will bring a smile to your lips, guaranteed.
But listen to my warning.
Like a drug, it is incredibly addicting. One cut will not be enough, and you will crave it. You will want it more. You will want the pain to be more intense, the cuts to be deeper. You’ll want the blood to soak through your clothes. You won’t be able to look at a sharp object without fantasizing about the kind of mark it will carve into your body.
And then you’re an addict. And you can’t stop. You will want to stop, but at the same time you will refuse to stop.
And you will live with a secret.
Can you handle living with this secret?
Can you handle being an addict?