Well- this is harder than initially thought.
How do you attempt to explain something you’re not sure of ?
If I were to guess at what stage triggered my feelings today, I would say childhood. I don’t remember a lot of my childhood, maybe a handful of events all in all. Why this is I don’t know, repressed memories, perhaps ? Bad memory, more likely?
I am in no way saying I had a bad childhood. I know my parents loved me, although I don’t think my mother was ready for children, still don’t.Â
I am 20 years old and deeply confused. When I was around 12 years old until about 17 I would cut myself. My best friend and I would do it together which is why I have such a strong tie to her today.Â
The authorities got involved and a psychologist, standard. Did it help? No, I don’t think so. I grew out of cutting myself as life progressed, as events changed my future. I met a boy when I was 15. I had known him for many years beforehand as he was a friend of my brothers. I always knew he wasn’t exactly right in the head, but I was attracted to him all the same. We would meet at night in the stairwell to chat and drink and kiss. I was infactuated, in love. He understood me and I him.
Long story short I moved in after being kicked out of my mothers house for many disagreements. We made a plan together- to get the hell out of the UK. And we did it. We moved on a visa when I was 19, him 23. And it was all good for awhile. I missed my best friend dearly, every day. But I was with the man I loved, right? Wrong. I knew he could be cruel and he was messed up, but he had never done anything to me to warrant a warning you know? I never thought he could do what he did. See what he does is gather information when he meets people, stores it in his twisted mind to figure out the best way to hurt someone if the time came.
For me, it came one night in a hostel. I heard him outside talking to most of the hostel which would have been approx 16 people at the time. I had never heard such malice coming from anyone before, and it was all about me. Bearing in mind I never saw this coming, I sensed things had changed but not to such an extent. He was reciting everything about me he knew I didn’t like, deliberately loud enough for me to hear. He was gleeful that the others were enjoying this, this is something that is always going to stick with me. This is the thing that will ruin my relationships with others unless I seek help- which I will not do. My friendship with my best friend has changed, I feel I can’t trust her anymore. I had pretty bad trust issues to begin with and now? Jesus.Â
There are many things in my life I am not happy with , have never been content with. Being so in love with a man who could destroy me like that makes you wonder if you will ever be truly happy again. This is just one of the things that had affected me badly, and truth be told it’s one of the main one’s.
I no longer feel anything good.
I have no trust for anyone, including parents, though I never did trust them. There’s only so many times you can say something in confidence to have it flung back in your face at a later date or find out someone else has been told.
I don’t feel content, happy.
No- I feel sad, angry, scared, anxious, socially awkward and so on and so on and so on.
There’s only so much abuse you can do to your body before even that holds no satisfaction. I’m past  my drinking too much for years, taking too many drugs and cutting myself . It does nothing for me. I sober up a couple of days later and feel worse than I did to begin with. But what can you do? I refuse to seek help because I don’t know how to explain myself, I don’t feel comfortable trying to talk about what makes me, me. So I suffer quietly every day. Pretend not to notice the things people say about me.
And I will continue to try be who I was.
At least back then I could put on a half-decent front.
5 comments
Just the other night I overheard my fiancee talking shit about me… Not the first time either… The first time was far worse… I eventually justified it as “venting”.
It hurts a lot. Ive never, in over 4 years, said a single negative word against her no matter what she does…
I guess it goes away in time… The heartache and pain inside… Builds a wall… This is your first “true love” and it will stick with you for the rest of your life. 10 years from now, even if you feel you’re completely over it, subconsciously it will still be there and still affect your future relationships.
chivalry is NOT dead … just scarce 😉
trust is earned and eventually you will learn to trust again … but the people you trust will earn it slowly over time through deeds … not on a flippant promise.
truth dawg
It’s hard to hear what the people you care deeply about think of you. I call it cowardice, not having the balls to say it to you. This happened to me about 8 months ago and it still hits me hard, every day. It’s one thing on top of the other and what gets me the most is no matter how hard I try to hate him I can’t. I think of him every day, every single goddamn day although I’d never admit this to any one. I get told to put it behind me, that I’ll never have a good future if I don’t forget about it. I can’t forget though, how could I forget the cackling of him and the group as he laid out my personality, problems, issues. It hurts. I wish I could go back to that day and tell them all just how messed up he is. Stooping to his level I know but it’d at least give me a kick out of it to look back on. How someone I stuck with through his parent dying, his fits of rage and habit of putting things through his walls, of crying out of desperate worry far too many times, of having the police put down a domestic abuse charge on him. He’s just one more fuck up on my laundry list of fuck ups.
Thanks for listening to me, getting this off my chest has helped a bit, no substance abuse involved.
Hate is such a strong word/action that requires much negative energy – one doesn’t need to hate to be displeased and finished with someone who is hurtful. “Forgetting’ is hard, more likely impossible … but you can occupy your mind with more positive (or at least different) thoughts. We all have a list of fuck-ups. some longer and/or worse than others. what we learn from them is what’s important.
reliving it day after day isn’t going to be healthy or helpful … it’s like watching the same movie over and over – you know how it ends. going back to that day will only mean you have to relive the pain in real time again.
scatterbrained dawg
hey, i think you actually express yourself better than you might think… and I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through with that guy. all of the stuff you’re describing is abuse, including raging and putting his hand through a wall. but triangulating other people against you is one of the worst forms of abuse. it’s devastating. I hope and pray you can get away from this person someday. what do you have to lose, you know? there are people out there who will treat you better, I promise promise.
as for getting help, you never know until you try. yeah, it’s sometimes hard to find a way to express yourself. i know what that’s like. but you might find a therapist who doesn’t judge you, and helps you express yourself. you also could find a support group where you could go and just listen to others if you wanted to. there are SO many people, like me, who’ve gone through abuse *just like* what you’re going through. they’ve had boyfriends or partners who have belittled them in front of others, talked crap about them, used information against them, etc. You’re definitely not alone. and maybe a support group could help you really feel that. Maybe you could hear about how others got themselves free from abuse, or how they find a way to survive.