I’m SOOOO Tired!!

I’m sooo tired of it all!! Don’t know what to do anymore! Can’t even stand to look in the mirror, I don’t know how much more I can take.  I cry all the time now, can’t even get through one day without crying. My husband always asks if i’m okay, but the truth is, he really doesn’t wan’t know the answer to that question. I don’t know why he even bothers asking. I wanna believe he loves me, but I don’t know how. I feel as though everyone would be happier and better off if I were gone.  I really believe they would all jump for joy, I guess I have to believe it. I was thinking the other day, and I actually remember cutting and choking myself to ease the pain at the early age of 6! No one knows! I don’t remember much about being a child, I guess I blocked most of it out, but what I do remember is horrible, until my grandparent’s rescued us. After that I should’ve felt safe and happy after that, but all I remember is feeling unwanted, unloved and a burden to those I loved. I just can’t shake those feelings and the only thing I’ve ever thought would make everyone happy is if i were to just end it. It’s mostly my religious beliefs that have kept me from killing myself, not anymore. If  I just can’t take the pain and hurt and horrible memories anymore, GOD WILL FORGIVE ME!!