I’m 23, and I’m pregnant. I’m miserable. I’m 33 weeks and 5 days, and I want it to be over. I don’t want to kill myself, I just really want to hurt myself. I want to put my fist through a wall or window. I want physical pain to outweigh the emotional. I haven’t been able to work for 3 months and won’t be able to for another two, at least. My husband, the baby’s dad, has a shit job, like $300 every two weeks. He sleeps all the time and smokes too much weed. He doesn’t listen to me. We have no money. We’re borrowing to pay bills. We have no food in the house except what WIC gives us, we applied for food stamps but it’ll be half a month until we hear from them. I don’t want my baby to come out knowing I resent her, knowing that I hated her and her father more than anything for my whole first trimester. I don’t do anything, I don’t have a car, I can’t walk anywhere because we live in the desert and between 10am and midnight it’s at least 90 degrees. I know it’s going to be over soon and I can throw myself back into work and I’ll have a kid. But idk if I’ll love her like I should. Her father will, and I’ll care for her, but I don’t love her yet. They say if you don’t love your baby from the start, when they’re in you, you’re fucked, you’re an awful person, give it up, bla bla bla. Wtf ever she will be loved and cared for. If I was going to hurt her, I would have already. I don’t hurt myself because she’s inside me, that’s love of some sort, right?? I’m sick of the internet, I’m sick of TV, I’m sick of sleeping, I’m sick of my house, but I’m miserable so that’s all I want to do. I’m sick of being tired and hungry and broke and ignored. I want to go back to work. I hate that I feel this way because of fucking money. I miss being in control of my body and my money situation. Why do I want to hurt myself? Where do I go from here? 7 weeks seems like such a long time. I’ve been getting sadder, angrier and more suicidal over the past few weeks. I don’t want to hurt my little girl. I couldn’t leave my husband or my stepson, I do love them more than life itself. Help?
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I feel so sorry for that baby.
No offense. I just realized how bad that came out. Sorry.
Sorry to hear about your troubles.
The first thing I want to say is, don’t worry so much about whether you will love your child. You will; and it might take time. It did for me and my wife, who had a variety of challenges both before and after birth. There is a lot of acclimatizing to do. Our child is now over 5 years old and STILL a challenge for us, both in terms of parenting her properly and dealing with her attitude. But love is there, and it will be for you.
The second thing to address is your financial situation. You obviously can’t do too much yourself to earn more money right now, or in the near future. It is very telling that the baby’s father has a low-end job and apparently is not concerned about providing for his family. I think you should consider very seriously whether this is a person that you want to be tied to for the long term, or not. In one sense, you are already tied to him through the genetic bonds of parenthood. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that you are required to stay with him forever, or to support him when he is unwilling to try to support his family.
In closing, life seems like shit right now but it will change. I mean, you’re going to have a baby! Change is about to happen. Some aspects will be good, some bad, but things are changing – hang in there and see what life has to offer.
Another recommendation is to do your best to get through the first 3-5 months post-partum before making major changes. Your hormones may be raging now and for the next few months. If things look really bleak, please seek help – it is literally possible for hormonal/chemical imbalances to be causing a lot of the emotional pain. My wife experienced a lot of psychological difficulty right after having our child. It happens, and not infrequently.
Best of luck to you. “This too shall pass.” Be strong.
You know smmoking weed is illegal and very un healthy right.im with venom i feel sorry for the baby if it was bad timing its not there fault.its your fault.
http://www.babycentre.co.uk/pregnancy/antenatalhealth/emotionalhealth/pregnancyblues/
It can be normal to feel depression and despair when pregnant not everyone is glowing and happy.
Plus it is also a myth that you bond with your baby instantly or you area bad mum.
I have 3 children 2 I did get postnal depression with and bonded instanly with the other I was suicidal and did not bond with her for months. I spend years feeling guilt over it. Whe I had my son and the bond was instant cause I was not depressed I would not allow myself to be happy as I felt I failed my daughter. It was not until I had thearpy I realizes guilt is a pointless emotion that what I had to do was make the bond strong and close from then on out and not look back. My daughter is 17 now and we are very close. With her being a girl we have even more in common talking about fashion and boys etc…..
For you you have to wait to she is born and do your best to give her the best life possiable which does not mean having lots of money If you can manage her basic needs then maybe you need ton think what is beat fror the child and if giving her a new home is what is best for her then that makes you I good mum IMO as that must be the hardest thing to do. You say you have a step son though so I’m guessing you will just fine. Ask your midwife for help if she know how you are feeling they can give you all the options. They will have heard it all before so don’t be nervous to say how you really feel
Jules x
First I want to say your post is very close to home. When I was 28 and preggo I felt like you. At first I was excited I was going to have a baby. But through my second and third tri-mester I wanted the baby to abort itself. I didn’t want to live the life I was living. I didn’t want to bring a child into it. I didn’t resent my lil one or hate her. But I was sad that I was stuck. Like you my hubby and I struggled all the time with money and not having the bare essentials of everyday life. I didn’t have a deep connection to my little girl through my whole pregnancy. I even told the doctor “do not give me a goopie babyâ€. I never really referred to her as my baby until after she was born. The day I gave birth. The minute I seen her little face my feelings instantly changed. It might be a auto-mom thing. But in that moment of her first breathe “No one would be as important to me as she is. She NEEDED me to protect her from all the bad in the world, in my lifeâ€. If you let go of your resentment of “what could be” if you didn’t have your daughter and just let life take its course. You will love being a mom. The most simplest things will amaze your daughter and you can enjoy them again. As simple as seeing a flower for the first time. My hubby and I still struggle to this day 8years have past since my daughter was born. I am actually headed to the pawn shop tomorrow. So we have money for food. But knowing someone is in the world that will love me no matter what makes my struggles worth going through. Try to see your daughter as a gift from yourself. Maybe you need her love to make life a little more bearable.
Jules is right.
Having a baby inside of you can do crazy things to your hormones!
It’s ok to feel confused about your baby.
Once the baby is born you will have a chance to bond, but do get checked for post partum depression as it’s very common.
it sounds like you are a great mom who just needs some outside supports.
Good luck.