Never happy.

No matter how happy I am at the moment I cant ever be content with my life, I dont know why I am on this website or why I even registered, but Suicide always crosses my mind. I sometimes think that maybe if I did die that everyone would have a better life. Like dying is my soul purpose for being on this earth, my death will bring everyone together. or is that egotistical of me to think my death might actually have that big of an impact. I know there are millions of other people in this world going through bigger and scarier things in their life, but I fear the future, I fear what I might become. Will I be this waste of space? will my family be ashamed of me for becoming nothing? or will I actually be successful. as you can tell…if anyone does actually read this I am so afraid of the unknown.  I’m not going to go in on what happened too me or what I have done or what I could or couldn’t be. I come from a family where if something happens the secret stays within the family, and the only way I can speak out is by anonymously posting what I am feeling here. My amount of friends is dwindling and I dont know who I can trust with the horrible memories that replay throughout my head. You know those “It gets Better” videos everyone post? Wheres mine? Will I ever get “better”? will I stop trying to end my life and actually live it? I have a lot of questions, dont I? well back to my story, thats why you’re here too…right? to see if someone else is going through the same things you are. nothing really bad has happened to me lately, but no matter how “okay” my life is going I can always count on those scary depressed feelings to come back and eat at me. I probably sound like I’m complaining too much. and I am. all I know is I am not afraid to die, I’m just afraid of what comes afterward. and I am also to coward to kill myself personally. no offers please, lol. a little suicide joke might be a little too insensitive. well until next time, thank you for reading. bye.