I’ve decided to let it all go, let everything that’s bothering me, go. I feel like I should be someone because of the people I know and the expectations that I perceive they have of me, but it’s all in my head. Ok, I’m sure it’s not all in my head or else I wouldn’t be writing this.
I love women, but I have nothing to offer. All I want is death and that supercedes just about everything I see and hear. Any desires, yearnings I might have, are outranked by my desire to not be.
I haven’t seen friends in months, recently started chatting again with my “best friend”. That’s what we’d call eachother but it hasn’t been brought up since I reappared. I stopped talking to her after she blew off my depression as me just acting like a baby. I keep trying to get together with her for drinks or dinner but she’s always busy and laughs it off when we have to raincheck; my gut tells me that she doesn’t ever actually want to see me again, that text messaging is more than enough(I get that feeling from most friends).
Well, I’m gonna change my number. I’m tired of friends and family; I’ve nothing for them but misery. No more reading the news or working overtime or trying to do anything that will lead to something else. fuck. this.
2 comments
I feel the exact same way about life. Everything that I should be interested takes a back seat to my desire to die. I have to capacity to be a great person, but why should I when my entire life is worthless. I have no desire to do anything. It’s all a load bullshit. I wish I could do what you have decided to do and I hope that it goes well.
thanks for the support. Just seeing people throughout the day, overhearing their conversations, being asked what I’m up to in my spare time; it all eats away at me. I know what you mean about the capacity to be great but never having the motivation to actually BE great. It really is all bullshit.