Worthless is all I’ll ever be

I’m new to this, I’ll admit. I just happened to stumble upon this and started reading stories and it gave me this breif moment of feeling secure in telling my story. I’ll be honest in that my story isn’t that bad and is really quite dumb, but now that I’ve found this breif confidence, I have to let it out and hope that maybe someone will hear me and understand my pain. I’ve contemplated suicide, I even planned out how my funeral would go, but I’m afraid to upset my friends, afraid that they’ll blame themselves, but they don’t know any of this. I’ve never had anything that bad happen to me, but ever since I was little my father has relentlessly emotionally abused me. He calls me worthless, fat ass, lazy, stupid. He tells me that he does it out of love and for the longest time I believed him, but lately I haven’t been so sure. It’s gotten to the point where I’m so used to it that I don’t think that he does it out of malice. And yet those insults still haunt me everywhere I go. I feel worthless more and more to the point where I started cutting myself as a physical reminder of my uselessneess. I even tried to carve the words into my leg for just me to see. I’m not ashamed of the scars becuase they remind me of where I’ve been, but I’m starting to believe all these things he calls me. The day I went to prom, my father called me fat and I almost cried at the prom because for the rest of the night my dress felt tighter and tighter. It was as if I was growing bigger every second, which I know is imposssible. Another thing that haunts me is that when I was in sixth grade, my older siblings touched me and my brother showed me something I begged him not to make me see. I know these things are stupid and I don’t know why I’m posting it. I’m too worthless to even commit suicide and my story is nothing in comparison to everyone else’s. I don’t mean to waste anyone’s time but I had to get that out there before I lost all my courage. When do these feelings of being alone and unloved go away?