Dont know what im doing here

Thanks for the welcome Deimos.

Well 853 ill make this a s short as possible since you asked. I was married for 20 years, caught her cheating, we fought out a nasty divorce that cost me around 200 grand, kids were all young teenagers at the time, i raised them with a pretty strick standard, but she would let them do pretty much whatever so they of course sided with her, she got custidy of them cause i was driving a truck and was gone alot. 15 yrs later the relationship between my kids and me is none existant, ive become cold and very hard hearted, i went to iraq for a couple yrs and came back and settled in the same town. and the kids all grown doing there own things, i got a local job thats not bad but just has the normal bull shit as any other job. Kids dont have anthing to do with me and i havent talked to the oldest two in over 6 years. i lost the rest of my money in the houseing market bailout THANKS OBAMA it was a littel over a 100grand. Living alone with just the dog, 4 yrs ago i got to feelin relly bad took the drs another yr to figure out i had 90 percent blockage in my heart, Feb this yr i had 93 percent blockage in my heart again then two months later i had to have emergency surgery, now im having heart problems again, im just tired all the time, and very very tired of feelin bad and not having the energy to do anything, The only enjoyment i have is i have a Harley that i love riding but alot of time i dont even fell like doing that, its what has kept me saine all this time i think. I take sleeping pills at night just to get 2 hrs sleep then one more when i wake up to get another hr our so sleep. I dont think there is a decent woman left alive on this planet with the same interest as me so dating is out of the question, i’ve always considered myself a half ass decent person that worked his ass off everyday of the week. Medicine cost so much that i can’t afford to take all my meds every month, i have to pick and choose which ones i can afford to take. It just gets old feelin bad and sometimes i just want to not feel bad whatever that consist of. I just feel sometimes like i want to take a hand full of sleeping pills get on the bike and ride 100 mph until i fall asleep and get the Big sleep, i know yeah that could hurt someone else, and people will say well you have to think of them, im not wanting anyone else involved i mean i know a person’s actions can affect others health and welfare. I’m just sayin, tired of being tired.