Find me a way inside my mind.

My lack of tenacity to anything and everything applies I guess just as well to my suicidal thoughts. They come and go but they are never enough to make me actually do anything. Its more a coping thing. It has been a few months since I have felt this low and un-like reality, when I ***** about my petty white kid problems you all kind of listen. Which is cool so I can keep my crazy priviate and un-identified. Since I am obviously to ***** to do it I have decided begrudgingly take on reality head on for thirty days. Thirty days just giving it my best shot to be optimistic and productive socially, physically, emotionally and relationship wise. I have failed incredibly on day one. What the fuck is wrong with my head. Do I really lack that much self control? I have no emotional out let but at the same time I try all my resources trying to find someone or something that can explain why the fuck I do the things I do. I honestly don’t get it. I feel that I’m not ignorant or stupid. So why can’t adjust my mood swings and work ethic in all areas of my life? I honestly am insane. If you have read this far congrats you’re either really concerned, stupid or bored. Regardless kudos. I’m really that crazy is the conclusion I keep coming to. So does the government make a pill that will fix me? Probably not. Realistically speaking in my mind thats not very plausible a little pill will fix my problems. So I’ll self medicate the best I can and hopefully learn how to control my self. I have always liked friction, conflict, chaos. Sometimes I feel like I’m not even human. Like I was from somewhere far away and I am trapped with these other living things that just don’t understand my ways. Ok. I’m done ranting. This Zixo signing off for now!