I guess I should tell my story

I don’t know if anyone can relate to it. I’ve never told anyone before. My story seems different from the stories I see that flood these boards. I’m not depressed or lonely. I do enjoy living. Even, when I have a strange tendency to forget to do the things that keep people alive such as eating food on a regular basis. I do like food. I’m just forgetful. I have friends who remind me to eat so it’s not too bad. In general I am a happy person. When I drink I’m a happy drunk. I most certainly have no intention of dying.

But here I am. On a suicide site, which I must admit I have visited with some frequency for years. I visit with the hopes that one day I’ll see a story similar to mine, but I have not. Despite everything, everyday with few exceptions, I think about killing myself. It’s like a voice whispering in my ear, “kill yourself”. Makes me sound crazy. I probably am. I haven’t ever listened to it. Clearly I am still here. I’ve been “suicidal” since I was 12 years old. If not since I was much younger.

It makes things difficult I must admit. I’m not so much afraid of highs as I am afraid I’ll jump from them. This makes driving a car especially difficult as there are so many ways to… well. Even health was a hard class to get through as it was basically, “If you do the opposite of these things you’ll die faster”. It doesn’t matter though. Because I do these things. I drive my car. I keep myself healthy and I am never going to give into those thoughts.

I’ll tell you how I get through it. Maybe it’ll even help you if you have these thoughts. I think everyday, even back when I was 12, I think, “If I was going to do it I should have done it yesterday”. Because what was the point of staying alive even for a day more if I didn’t mean to see it through. I am going to die one day. Everyone does. But I will not kill myself.