4th of July is in two days, that’s the day i had planned to end it all. I have this amazing guy who walked into my life and makes thinks better but life is still hard. I stooped taking my meds bcz i wanted to think clearly on whether i would go trough with my plans or not. I still have no idea of what im going to end up doing. My boyfriend does not make it easier on me. He knows all about it and he does not want to lose me, he said he can see himself marrying me in the future. I don’t want to hurt him but im not sure if living is worth it. Having stooped my meds backed fired on me, i feel a lot more moody and it takes little to trow me over the edge, everything is just more negative and people are a lot more annoying. I don’t know if this is the real me or if the real me is when im on meds. I wish i could forget about 4th of july but i cant for once everything around me reminds me of my plans( my daily planner, phone, poetry, train tickets, hotel reservations, the shit load of pills i have) and what makes things worst is that its my dead dogs birthday the dog that kept me going all the other times( my baby who passed away 5 months ago) Im just having a really hard time with everything especially trying to figure out what i want to do. This would b a lot more easier if nobody cared about me but people do and i know i will end up hurting them and i feel bad about that but i just dont really want to have to live my life. I dont even know if this even made sense
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You’re in a reactionary state. You can only make good decisions from a logical place when you’re more centered and calm. So when you feel you’re in that state make a decision about what you feel is best for you. I used to be very negligent in my decision making and now I”m logical and responsible in my decision making. When operating from this place you/me/we are in a place of integrity and things are bound to flow better for you.
You’re putting pressure on yourself to get it all planned and figured out and you can best help yourself when you stop reacting to your situation as though it’s controlling you…stay in your own driver’s seat and make a decision, don’t let all your emotions bog you down because they confuse you. Without any drama, just listen to that tiny voice inside you that guides you. You will feel better and your process of whatever you choose to be best will unfold. I often don’t know what’s best, but I still do my best to act instinctively, follow my gut and be logical. You can get emotional later…but in matters of decisions, calm yourself and own your situation. Your most apt to successfully navigate it. Good luck. You deserve all good things. Take care.
I believe life must have been very difficult and insulting to your essence. Most people behave that abusive way because of the social conditioning of our society. Most people lack the awareness that how their actions might create tremendous sufferings to others. If the people you meet keep hurting you and harming you, you have to learn to go back to what you have been as a child- innocent, kind, worry-less and free. Our mind has the tendency to go into unconscious when subjected to external circumstances. These modifications on our perceptions result in several wrong doings as well as follies that will make us regret when we finally know what we have been doing.
I have been through 10 years of unconscious living – addicted to pornography, gaming, foods – which resulted in severe depression. I had not had good sleep and was in severe depression for years. My body, as a result, was severely weak and when I started to realise my follies, I could not accept them and it turned to a vicious cycle. After few years of seeking the meaning of life through reading books, helping others as well as meditation, I am completely free of my past and am able to live a peaceful life. If I can, why can’t you? Start aligning yourself with your true self, or the self that was in you when you were a young child – innocent, likeable, respectful, kind and so on.
Listen to this song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNkr86zZaP4
If life is too tough, accept it. Countless people have been destroyed by the evil in the world, and we are lucky yet not to be annihilated. Stop letting external factors to influence your internal soul. Let it untouched, let go of your assumption. Live in the moment.
If this isn’t enough to calm you down, read “A New Earth†which can be downloaded easily from Google.
Wish peace reside in you.