I thought I’d never have to come back here. I thought I was doing fine. I used to severely scratch my skin (around my shoulders and chest so no one could see) to take some extremely negative thoughts out on myself. I had stopped for about 4 days now. Then… today happened.
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Here’s a little back-story;
About 3 years ago, my ex cheated on her boyfriend of 2 years with her friend, they obviously broke up. Then me and her dated for about 2 weeks last year, but she left me to get back together with her ex, but he didn’t want her. She then dated someone else for about a month and cheated on them with me (after saying she had learned her lesson about cheating). Then me and her went out for a few months (I was stupid enough to believe that she had really changed and was really inlove with me. Anyways, after a few months (yesterday) I found out she went on a date with some other guy. I was furious! I dropped it because it was just a date (this is where my mistake was). Then (today) I found out she had slept with this guy as well (she hadn’t even slept with me yet because she was too “religious”).
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Anyways, so with that happening, all of the self-hate I once had for myself came back. Every single thought about suicide, every thought about hating life. So with that on my mind, I started making more of those scratches all over my body, deeper than ever. The first few I ever did were superficial, then the next few were deep enough to sting when I touched them. These ones bleed.
It was honestly my own fault. I should have known that trusting something would lead to this. I knew that it was a mistake to let anyone get close to me. It should have been obvious that she never loved me when she didn’t even sleep with me. She’s had sex with every single one of her boyfriends since she was 15, but not me. I don’t know how long she’s been cheating on me, she’s been texting a new guy every month, non-stop. She tells me she loves me… but… I’m sure anyone would doubt that, right?
I’m 19, incase anyone was going to ask. Suffered through depression for 3 years now, only started self-harming for about 2 weeks now. I seriously don’t know what to do anymore. I trusted one person… in 3 years, ONE person with everything I had. She knew everything about me, she had my heart in her hands, I put all my faith in her. I don’t trust anyone anymore right now, I was planning on going to a mental health clinic a few days ago but I change my mind about it now.
If the person that I’ve talked to non-stop for 6 months doesn’t want me to be in their life, then why would anyone else?
2 comments
honestly, she seems like she needs to cut the bullshit and close her legs, you deserve a nice girl that will try and help you through this instead of dragging you into it farther. It isnt true that nobody wants you, its sometimes just hard to find that one person who is good enough. I hope you can recover again and find someone better than her
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but frankly you just made some really bad choices. You say in many years this is the one person you decided to put all your faith in. Why would you choose this person, knowing her track record? Even if you put the actual cheating aside, these types of people who jump from one boyfriend/girlfriend to another are usually just bad news. Add in the fact that she WAS letting these relationships overlap and cheating on people… if you’re the type to not trust easily and usually keep your guard up, I just don’t understand why you would pick her to be the one you trust with your heart. But we’ve all made mistakes before when we’re attracted to someone.
Also you remind me of myself and many others like me, you have a total piece of trash come into your life and destroy your heart, but you have the personality type, or the lack of self esteem, that you end up blaming and hating yourself, as if it was your fault that she wasn’t just satisfied with you. A cheater is a cheater and it wouldn’t have mattered if you were the most interesting guy in the world, she’s obviously addicted to the rush of always having someone new in her life. She cheated on all these other guys too, so is the problem really that you and those other guys were all losers who did something wrong, or is the problem HER? She’s the one who should be miserable and scratching herself until she bleeds and hating herself, not you.
I do the same stupid thing, my last ex was horrible to me, yet months later I am still dealing with the hatred I feel towards myself like everything was my fault.