my fucked up life

I was home schooled till i was 12, and my father left my mom when i was 8 (i used to see him weekends, then holidays, now i rarely see or talk to him). which is what i can only assume caused me to be so fucked up.  once i got to highschool, my first semester i got expelled for threatening a kid with a knife for picking on me. which caused me to lose my only close friend.. after switching schools i was a loner for the most part, i had a group of friends i hung out with, but i was that one kid who only ever hung out at school with the group. by the time i got t grade 12 i had had like 5 girlfriends because i was only good at talking to girls.. but it usually ended after them telling me they loved me and i just never felt the same way back (i was raised being told that the word love is very serious and shouldnt be used unless i knew i actually loved someone and would give anything for them except the clothes on my back.). but this year i met a girl who was just amazing, she wasnt like overly hot or anything, but she just had that look that i couldnt stop admiring… i had never opened up to anyone about any of my socially awkward life or my family problems until i met her, she had her own problems and we could talk to eachother and comfort eachother… but i fucked everything up, i told her i needed a break and she seemed fine with it, but she had this one friend who she hung out with alot, a guy, i knew she hung out with him and i had told her i felt uncomfortable with her hanging out with him alot, but she assured me he was just one of her best friends and that it was nothing more. i believed her, but we broke up from complicated stuff. i knew i fucked up and i needed her back, i told her that and she felt the same way, but she had told me that she had fucked her friend… i was pretty devistated because i knew she was a virgin and she told me she wanted to wait for someone she wouldnt regret doing it with. she tried to tell me she wanted me back but she was to confused with her own problems and had other guys chasing her. she told me she wanted me back but needed time, but i knew she was spending time with other guys and i couldnt handle the thoughts that were in my head when she told me she was hanging out with them, so i told her she needed to pick between me or hanging around with other guys alot, she couldnt decide, so i broke it off… a couple months after she messeged me and told me she knew she fucked up, but i just couldnt forgive her, i forgave her for sleeping with that guy, but when she didnt know that she wanted me over hanging around with other guys, that just crushed me…  i got really depressed after that and i started failing 2 of my classes, i had gotten a job interview and they told me they would call back in a week, i was out that weekend and i dont have a phone, but i just couldnt find the motivation to even just give them a call back. now i have to go back for another semester of school. my older brother, who i hang out with alot(he’s only a year older then me) and even tho i dont like admitting it, hes my best friend, but he got a full time job recently and has started to feel like he doesnt have to listen to my mom at all, which causes alot of arguements in my house, which doesnt help how depressed i am with just the way things are going with my life… my mom barely has enough money to make it by, my dad has stopped paying child support, so we dont have food all the time, and my mom is usually to lazy to actually go grocery shopping, so we end up eating take-out.. i just feel like ive lost my will to live… like what is thre in my life to look foward to? ive been soo depressed lately i just procrastinate doing things untill its to late to do them, and then i just go out and smoke weed and dont even care that i didnt do them.. the only time i dont feel like total shit is when i smoke weed.. and i havent been getting payed for doing my chores like i used to because my dad doesnt pay child support, so i only get to smoke weed like once or twice a week.. sorry if this is hard to read, i was crying and trying to think of all the details of how bullshit my life is :'(