From what ive read here, my life is the best life on earth, but it isnt.
When i was 5 my parents sent to a special school, for smart children. Every year i begged them to get me out of it, but they didnt. I was a smart kid, one of the best in my class, but i never really fit in to it, they all wanted to study, since we were 5, and become doctors, scientists and so, i never did, i always wanted to perform, to dance, but my dad always laughed at me and my mom joined him so my confidence got really really low. i got bullied at school, a lot, other kids used to make fun of me, steal my stuff, and sometimes beat the hell out of me, but i never said anything.
When i was 10 my little sister was born and at the same time i discovered ballet, that later turned into my whole world. At this time there were also a couple of teachers at school who liked to humiliate me in front of the whole classroom.
My mom never was a good mom, when i was born my grandma helped a lot with taking care of me, but when i was 3 we moved, so that my grandma was now a 6 hour flight away from us. so i had to take care of my little sister. My mom worked all day long and had to stay at home and babysit my little sister, i really really love her, and she is one of 2 reasons im still alive. My dad also works a lot but when he is home he usually just ignores us and spends all his time playing computer games.
Ballet became my whole world when i was about 14. At this time, school was worse than hell for me, but my grades were still high, i had no friends at school, but also no enemies, although kids my age sometimes liked to make fun of me, i was sort of a tom-boy, just that i never really liked it. All my clothes were old, and not girly, so they laughed at me. At that time our family didnt really have money. The ballet studio was my escape from that world, that always wanted too much from me. There i didnt have to worry about how i look, because we had a uniform. There i could forget about my sister, and all the things that i had to do at home, and there i finally found a family that understood me.
When i was close to 15, i suddenly turned very depressed, and suicidal. It was like something inside me cracked from all that pressure. I was planning to commit suicide on my 15th birthday, i was really close to it, but my best friend from the ballet studio stopped me. I wanted to commit suicide because at that time our ballet teacher usually told us how old we were, and that other kids our age do 100 times better than us. My ballet skills didnt satisfy me at all, and since ballet was my whole world, i didnt have anything, things at home were the same, my parents usually just ignored me, and school was still hell.
Yet, somehow, i managed to go through it, with the held of my friend. Everything was fine for about 6 months. I still cut a little bit, but it wasnt serious. Then, a girl from our ballet studio had anorexia. No one really knows where it came from, but from that day i started to develop it too. It was my escape from the world. I felt numb all the time, and was almost fainting every day, my grades finally dropped dramatically, and my parents noticed it, but they blamed the ballet. At that time most of the girls in the studio grew up and became aware of their bodies, and wanted to get thinner. I dropped more than 25 pounds in one month, than my ballet teacher stopped me. She told me that if i dont eat she wont let me in the studio, and i started eating, i still had bad days, lots of them, but overall i was fine. for a month.
Than now, it all started again, the teacher now catches me, after about two days if i dont eat, im really not a good dancer, and i can feel it, i am really short and have muscular legs, and ballerinas should be tall and skinny, and i consider myself fat.
i see that i have wasted wost of my life on something, that i cant do properly, my grades in school are too low, ant i hate it. So i have nowhere to turn.
If i commit suicide no one would care, maybe my parents will notice that the dishes dont wash themself and that the house doesnt get clean itself. The ballet teacher would probably be happy if i wont exist anymore, so she wont have to waste her time on, and the school, they wont notice, so why do we all live, if in the end there is death?!?!
Id rather make this end sooner…
Tomorrow would be a perfect day…
4 comments
You’re doing something you love right? That’s good! Remember, DEATH IS PERMANENT. You’ll NEVER listen to music again, you’ll NEVER dance again, you’ll NEVER live again. Suicide is serious and very tricky. Keep dancing, think positive! Let your dream give you motivation to keep going!
Having a dream and things to hope for are great. Hope you get well.
When you dance, you spin as the world, the universe, spins.
You become as the universe, a beautiful cosmic dance.
The universe, holding its breath for one tiny moment of its vast timelessness, watches you dance, and in beholding your artistic expression, knows itself to be alive.
The universe, all that is, relies on your passion for artistic perfection, to breathe and live through you.
Watching you, this world is whole.
When the lights dim, the music stops, and you cease to dance, this world, this universe may well gasp it’s final breath and stop spinning as all we know comes to an end.
Keep dancing.
Alexi….all life is perception. You may not believe it, but everything you’ve gone through is a gold mine for learning and growth. A freakin’ gold mine.
Bad experiences does not mean, okay, that’s it..I’m outta here….the game is to see the lesson in what you’ve gone through and why. Who says that all ballerinas are thin and tall…what is fat anyway? Is there a person who pops out and says “you’re too fat to dance and you’re no good, so give it up”….don’t you see how absurd that is?
You need to get with a life coach or someone who teaches you how to instill self esteem in yourself cause that’s all that you need to pump up.
All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future – and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past – and not enough presence. ..
Once you know that, you realize that you are responsible for your inner space now – nobody else is – and that the past cannot prevail against the power of the Now. So don’t define yourself by your experiences or how you look…you’re strong enough that you can make a decision to want to feel good and practice it…when you make the decision and practice…this whole thing about hurting yourself will dissolve because you’re in the driver’s seat and nothing outside of you has the power to bring you down unless YOU allow it to. Be courageous, be unique…Baryshnikov wasn’t the tallest guy in the world and he was pretty muscular…it’s all in your head. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt and dive in….keep plugging and smile, you so deserve happiness. Cheers!