hi guys… Im Elico (I despised my real name so I use this…
Im gay… Hehe, though I people find it hard to believe I am one since thay say Im a ‘good actor’ or something…
I dont have friends… I guess Im a natural loner or whatever… But I waited and looked, no one was there… I trusted several people, but all where the same, some abandon me after myself confessign to them, some got simply tired as I was clingy… some, just… stopped.
Dont ask if I have a lover or whatever, Im ugly maybe… and somehow I lost interest in stuff liek that…
Family? Theyre all HOMOPHOBES… if they knew about me, it will be hell. Coupled with the fact I failed college and they still think Im still attending… Im not smart or good in class but they expected me to be like in elementary or highschool… I even hated school… I jsut hated to be alone there despite with all the people…
God? I believe in him, but I dont like him anymore… I was somehow disappointing perhaps…
I live in a broken family, with a mother who’s a loving bully. She doesnt know she hurts me with her words, I just bear it all until Im alone…I tried talknig to her, and what do you know? She used what my weakness was agaisnt me when she got mad at me again…
Father? He’s away, I stayed once with him, last year but he cant care for me financially as he has anotehr family of his own… and I jsut was dissapointed in him too…
I plan killing myself, for a lo0ng time… Im afraid perhaps of pain, I crack up seriously… sleeping pills are out of reach you know? They require prescription and doctor stuff or whatever gets known by my dear mother… But this time I need to perish ya know? They will know that I wasnt attendign school. They will never understand liek before…
I dotn know if Im depressed clinically… I cant afford going to a doctor or whatever as my mom will know… I refuse to be beaten by her… She says she will change, she never did… People never change… I dotn know why the fuck I write but I guess its our nature to share despite me having lost trust to humanity…
Im sorry for possibly offendign anyone… but what the hell can I do now, I beg answers… as Im sure am not smart enough to get out of this mess…
4 comments
Ahh,I’m sick of homophobic people!
Please try to be strong.
Please be strong.. there are other ways to escape the pain… Do something different with your life.. Take a walk, watch a movie, call me.. I can listen.
You remind me of my brother… He never had any friends, never experience having a girlfriend… Hes 27. We even told him we would accept him even if he was Gay.. He just stays home in the basement on his computer and until now we have no answers as to why.
He killed himself 3 months ago.. and I found him.
I know you dont have the most supporting family but there are people out there that can help you… I wish my brother knew that.. he had no self steem not looking forward in life.. Little does he know how amazing he is.
Im sure you are too!
Number 1— Talk to your mother about your suisidal thoughts.. If its a life and death situation they will listen trust me.
Number 2.– Call a hotline.. There are people that would listen to you!
Number 3– Escape.. it might be comfortable to be at home but your not happy there… Try and save some money and get a job somewere and work.. Move on with your life.. learn how to be independent… You will eventually find someone.. atlease a good friend.. they just havent met you yet.
Know that there are people out there who will miss you terribly…
Elico, you don’t say whether you are a boy or girl I don’t think.
First, I’m really sorry you are feeling so bad. Things sound pretty soul-destroying at your end. It obviously isn’t just being gay, tho’ that surely doesn’t help. There are a lot of other issues there, aren’t there? Involving parents, your mother who is probably over-involved and lacks boundaries in her interactions with you. Your dad, who’s got another family, and doesn’t seem to have stepped up to his responsiblilities toward you by the sound of it.
No friends. That’s a downer as well, tho’ you at least sound as if you have some insight into why people might have ditched you. Being too ‘clingy’ for instance. Too needy I guess. Understandable given the lack of emotional support you are experiencing overall.
You’ve stopped attending college. Well, my 16 year old didn’t even finish high school. You aren’t alone in finding mainstream education difficult…for social reasons as much as anything. It really sucks to be alone when everyone else seems to be with their clique, group, gang or whatever, having a good time.
You can’r even find out whether you’re clinically depressed? Well, I’m not sure if your Mum needs to know, and even if she did, is that the end of the world? Do you think she would use it as a reason to abuse you further, or are you worried about her reaction? You would appear to be at least 18. Surely you can get to the doc? Maybe there are insurance issues tho’, if you live in the States, as you probably do. Is there no public hospital/service that you can attend without needing insurance? I don’t know how it works, we have the National Health Service in the UK.
Seems like you are even unable to tell your Mum that you’re not attending college any more. You refuse to be ‘beaten’ by her. Do you mean that she has physically beaten you Elico?
Given all the challenges you’re facing Elico, I am frankly not surprised you feel suicidal. All I can say is, I’ve heard you, we’re here to listen. Suicide is very far from painless Elico. It’s a hard road to travel. I hope you will stick around, and know that you may find kindred spirits here.
All the very best Elico. Zoe x
yes (ur good at knowing ya know that?)
being gay isnt the least of my problems, ill simply just be in trouble IF they knew. im a guy by the way. at elementary is was hailed a genius of some sort, at high school i stopped going to school because well I really hate people (you’re somehow right by the way)… then mom did this punishment for me to like refuse my allowance by half, leaving me to eat nothing of some sort at school… and walking everyday to get there, in the end though at 4th year (final year) i came at the top.
then college came and i felt this thing again, my latest past group at first where sympathetic then somehow they got tired like everyone was. Every week theres this drinking party they attend, they will take advantage of my liking for this guy (theyre his cliques) so that im the one wholl spend my money on their drinks as soon as im drunk… man im so stupid…
my mom never beats me physically really, she can and it rarely hurts (i have an aptitude for physical combat), but what she says hurt just more. recently im failing her specific instructions for chores and stuff, out of nervousness maybe or im just plain clumsy. She doesnt even take time to ask- ‘whats wrong?’ or wonder if theres anything wrong’. she just simply berates me on how pathetic I am or how stupid ican be when Im suppose to be smart (she still expects me to do good) in which I possibly cant. Maybe she’s just stressed from her work (shes some manager or heAD at some company, thats what I tell myself. but her tone shes using is the same tone when she orders her people at work around.
She’s a fine woman actually but i in the eyes of others… im thankful for people listening…
sighs, im suicide was easy i would have done it like weeks ago. problem is i cant hold on to sleeping pills, gas tanks or whatever and cutting myself up would make a mess. oh and i live at the philippines actually. problem is, suicide is rare in here (maybe because people seems to just be happy here and religious- im not by the way since im now agnostic)