I don’t know why I am so alone in every way, well actually I suppose I do, it’s just that I have been repressing it for far too long- out it comes now, oh dear:
The people who tell you that things change when people grow up and you go from lower to higher schools and onwards are not always right. People might change, but their attitudes towards those who were once 11 year old outcasts remains… and even if it isn’t verbalised, hostility is an emotion easy to pick up on when directed at you, it truly is. Do you know what it’s like to have people turn their nose up at your name, to become the running joke? To be that person who’s always so easy to laugh at because you can’t fight back without looking even more stupid? Ever gone home and cried and cried and cried over the fact that you’ve yet to meet people your own age who truly care about you and want to be around you? And are you ever fucking furious and so so so frustrated over the fact that you are not ugly and gross and stupid, you are not and never were an obvious target, you’re actually very intelligent, kind and  fucking beautiful, but no one in your school can tell now because they’ve never stopped to look and think of you in any way other than critical.
It’s just that something or other has made me realise that maybe the treatment of my classmates when I was 10 and 11 onwards has a lot to do with my depression, and the low self esteem I seem to have finally got past. And I fucking hate them for it, and it amazes me how much things that never bothered you at the time can come back to haunt you later on. And I can’t believe how cruel and thoughtless we all were as children, and I’m sure it all goes on still and it breaks my heart and makes me want to give all the children going through shit like that a hug; except unlike teachers and parents I would be unable to say “It’ll pass” because that is not something that can be relied on at all, it might never pass and then go on to leave you terrified and alone and sad and completely and utterly fucked up at the age of 16. And hindsight is a horrible thing, because if I’d known that just more of the same would happen, I’d have chosen a different school.
I often wonder what the people in my year at school would say if I killed myself, I guess in the week or less before I was forgotten, they’d say all the normal shit like “Miss her sooo much” “She was loved” “blablblabalbalblbalabla” and it would pretty much all be bullshit. But they’d never learn, they’d never grasp the fact that so many of them helped the angry bubble of sadness and hate and resentment and misery and confusion and loneliness grow, before it exploded and left my body, taking me with it. And they would all continue treating people like crap. And it shouldn’t take more than a death to change people’s attitudes to each other, it shouldn’t even take death! Why the fuck can’t people just be good and kind to everybody else? We don’t know the daily struggle that our peers might face, and we don’t know how similar some of us might be, how much help and support and guidance we could potentially have and give and offer. Why don’t people try?! It only takes a smile, some tact, a clean slate and an open mind. I am just really angry at people right now, and I know that I won’t start to get much better until I can let go of all this fucking bitterness and resentment inside of me. So I will try and do something, I think, I will try my hardest to change things, to make sure that maybe just one less person feels less like I do now. Because a truly horrible feeling is wanting to die, but knowing it’s all for the wrong reasons and that your death isn’t what you want, it’s just that you want some peace and an end to the internal arguments you keep having with your demons is frustrating, because it’s like a way out is being dangled in front of you at all times, but part of you know it’s the wrong way and if you have the strength to build a new path for yourself, what you need will all be there. And the thought that maybe you’re a coward, or maybe you just aren’t strong enough to beat it all can plague you for far too long.
And just this second, as I wrote this, I realised just how much I really want to win. I have never been more determined to beat this than I am now. What gave those childhood bullies the right to ignite the flame that started the fire which became my depression and sadness and desire to die? Nothing and nobody except myself. I will not go down without a fight. And once I am down, I can only get back up and start all over again. This will not defeat me, because I am better than the sadness, stronger than it. And if I continue letting it control me like this, it will beat me. At present, I am giving it the power to destroy me, and it hasn’t earned that right. I want to win and I am determined to not stop until I have. I only hope that is enough.
7 comments
I think, I will try my hardest to change things, to make sure that maybe just one less person feels less like I do now.
i’m speachless to your post. i have no idea where you find the courage to say this or what brought it on but good for you. it is true and sad that a death wouldn’t change anything and a person with a drive, heart, and passion like you should not go to waste. this world needs people like you to come out to the conformed society and make a difference. if you ever need hep or advice i’m here. thumbs up for change. Stay strong and please let us all know what you’re doing and how it works 🙂
Wow, I could have written this. They are pretty much my feelings to my schooling, and I’m 16 too – weird. Anyway thank fuck it’ll be the last time I see them in 2 weeks. I really know how you feel, NotReallyHereAtAll.
I can relate with a lot of the things you said.
NotReallyHere, your post is beautiful, because of the sadness, the outrage, the hurt, but also because you come out fighting as it were. Many people don’t.
So you’re 16? Same as my son and a good few on here. My God it can be such a difficult age, really on the cusp of adulthood, yet with one foot in the ‘child’ camp as well. You’re reflecting on life, at the same time there’s all the pressure of school, college looming and thinking about a career…
Exhausts me just thinking about it. I don’t envy the young, not one little bit, and I think anyone who does has a sad life or a bad memory.
As RestrictingHeart Ash) says, you have drive, heart and passion. Those qualities will see you through most adversity in life, if you be sure to nurture them and not let them ever die. Water and tend that passion as if it were a plant. Value it. There is always pain, that’s a part of life and of being human. But what we can bring to the table is the will to fight, struggle and strive toward the goals of happiness and peace.
Zx
wow that was long lol but just wow, must have taken a lot of self analysis on your part. Most people aren’t self aware enough to figure out they are even feeling all that. They just lump it all into one place and just say they are unhappy. Now that you know what caused your problems its so much easier to deal with them and move forward. Trying to change the system that allowed you to be hurt in the first place though….That is a very daunting task that you have set for yourself. The strong have always tormented the weak, the majority has always oppressed the minority. You aren’t supposed to be unique or an individual. You are just another part of the herd, if you give them any reason to single you out they will, and then you are forced to either conform or be destroyed. I suppose anything is possible and someday even this to could change. I think it would take monumental effort though and most people don’t care enough to even see any of it as a problem. Even most that see it as a problem probably don’t see any way to change things or just don’t have the energy to try. Me I would rather just go play some Temple Run lol run run run jump turn yay coins! oh wait what was I talking about 🙂
Temple Run is wayyy past its time haha(: tried to get that 10,000,000 achievement only to get to 9.5 about 6-7 times and fail, then just deleted it haha.