I have been addicted to drugs for half of my 30 years on this earth…. I thought if I got married and had some children that it would fill the hole in my heart.  I was able to stop using for a little while, but the desire to get high never goes away. I started using again and eventually my wife took my kids and filled a PFA to keep me away from them. I have never hurt her or the kids, but now I am looked at like a wife-beat. I despise those people who hit women, and that’s what hurts the most…
I do not want my kids to look at their junkie dad and hate him… I know that they will be better off thinking that I died in some accident, cause eventually I am going to overdose anyway. I have tried to quit drugs so many times, and the only thing that they tell you in rehab is take it one day at a time… who takes life two days at a time anyway! I know that it will upset my mother, but she also can’t stand that her 30 year old son with a college degree can’t hold down a job, and continues to use drugs…
I am sick of putting everyone through this slow painful death and want to get it over with… I want to find a way to make my death look like an accident so I can leave a life insurance policy behind so that my ***** of a wife has a reason to deal with my mom… she is a lazy ***** and leaving the money with my mom will ensure that she will be involved in my kids life…
I love my kids but they are only 1 and 3 years old… so they will never remember what kind of a fuck up their dad was, and people always think better of people once they are dead…. I can’t support them with my criminal background so this scam seems to be a way for me to finally do something good for them…
I am going to court for a custody/pfa hearing at 9am tomorrow and I want to hold my baby girl one last time… then after completing a life insurance policy,  I am going hock my  laptop for one last binge of meth/heroin/both and then I am going to find a semi truck on the highway that is going fast and just slip on into oblivion…. I’ll make sure to slam on the breaks at the last second to look like an accident and cut left so I am killed on impact….
Later Days…
2 comments
All I can say is I’m sorry for your situation but please don’t stop trying. The only way you can become a hero in your child’s life is to get better. Try rehab after rehab, what ever it takes. Keep fighting no matter how tired you are. Do it for them. Do it for yourself.
Ok
I’m waiting
To meet you
And your family…
I’m the insurance adjuster who will deny your claim after you are dead based on your history of drug use.
I’m also the delegated Guardian who will take your children when their mother commits suicide, unable to cope with your death.
Or Maybe I’m the abusive stepfather who will traumatize your kids after your gone?
Could be I am just the rehab councilor who wished you would have comeback one more time, knowing that the average drug users gets clean after seven tries.
What if you don’t meet me? Could be I’m the social worker who scours the streets looking for your traumatized teenage daughter, trying to keep her safe from the pimps and her own addictions.
But in time, maybe I will turn out to be your child, all grown up, who really did have a hole in my life from not having a father to attach to in those important early year of development, and maybe I’m on this site somewhere in the future wishing I was dead.
You need to get over yourself for today and come up with a better plan for tomorrow because this plan of yours will not save your children.