I’m a waste of space

I’ve been having depression since the end of 6th grade. I’m now in 10th. I don’t take anti- depressants anymore because they don’t help. Let’s start with the fact that- my family is fucked up. My dad used to beat my mother infront of my brothers and I, and then a few months after, he just packed his things and left us. I haven’t seen him since. He’s a stranger to me – and even though I still have this despise towards him for hurting my mum, I miss having a dad role in my life. The other thing is – I’m overweight. I’m 5’3 yet I weigh 135 pounds. All my middle schools years I spent alone, nobody wanted to be friends with someone who was as fat as I was. I was tortured by other people – harassed. For 7th grade my dad somehow got in contact with my mother – and forced her to send me off to boarding school. She did as he said (stupid fucking idea) and sent me off to another state. It was my first time being so far from home – and away from my mother. I love my mum so much, I would do anything for her. Boarding school was hell. I was talked about every single day, made fun of, the highschool kids threw shit at me and called me a fat monkey. Guys spread rumors about me saying I offered to suck their dick, and my life started sucking. After 5 months, I started cutting myself. I felt lonely, unwanted, I felt like I was living in a world where everyone spoke the same language but me. Nobody could understand me. In boarding school I gained 20 pounds, and looked like a fucking cow. February of the school year, I got myself expelled. I couldn’t handle living there anymore and so I did the worst thing I could do. When I saw my mum’s face at the airport, waiting for me, my heart broke. She looked so sad, and so disappointed in me. All through 8th grade, she barely talked to me – and that was probably the worst year of my life. I was hated by my whole family, and this caused my first suicide attempt. I was in the hospital for almost a month. I know this all probably doesn’t sound as serious as some other situations, but loneliness was breaking me into pieces. Finally freshman year came. My life was starting to get better – and I was beginning to be happy. But then, it’s like life heard that I stopped complaining, and then things went bad. Beginning of freshman year I met what is now my ex boyfriend. He became not only my friend, but my bestfriend – and maybe even my soulmate. I lost my virginity to him after 5 months, and we were more in love than ever. This same year – and last year. I lost my bestfriend and my older sister to a car accident –  and that’s when.. things went south. My boyfriend started taking drugs. And before I knew it, he was drug dealing as well. He let everything get to his head, and after 3 months we started fighting. He would scream at me, sometimes hit me, yell foul things at me and once even hit his mother infront of me. He was becoming someone I didn’t know. It all ended so ugly..- and I still blame myself, I could of stopped this from happening. I was – and still am, heartbroken. I feel empty without him, like I have no reason to live, and even though I have always felt like that, when I met him – I thought he was going to change my life around for the better. And he did, in some ways. But when I lost him, I lost a part of me as well – the happy part. That I knew I might never get back. It’s now 10th grade, I’m 15 pounds overweight, my wrists are covered in scars, I have depression, and even though in some other people’s eyes I’m beautiful – In my eyes I’m just a waste of space. I left alot of details out of this post, I don’t think they’re needed.

I’m trying to hold on, even though the string is ripping with every second, and soon it will tear – I’m holding on..

But soon I’m afraid I’ll give up again, and this time without hope.