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Last night, I decided it was finally going to be over

by NewBlueWorld

Hello guys, (edit: why is my post all written in green? its hard to read :S highlighting the text with your mouse helps)

I’ve been thinking about suicide pretty much my entire life. This is going to be quite straight up but bear with me. First, let’s talk a bit about myself so you now a little bit more about who’s writing this.

I am now 23 years old, on my last year of university here in Quebec, Canada. I’ve been studying marketing since I’ve always been really good at selling and customer service. My real passions, however, are sports, videogames and marijuana. Yes, marijuana. I won’t start talking about it because this would never end but jesus please legalize it already, I know people in my own apartment block that smoke 1 or 2 pack of cigarettes a day, how could what they do is legal and what I love dearly isn’t? Tobacco companies are straight killing us and they receive huge amounts of money from the government…

I’m not doing this for attention, by the way, because as I said initially, I’ve been thinking about suicide pretty much my entire life and you don’t ask for attention if you’re serious about it, and right now I am dead serious about it (no pun intended? was there one? I’m confused). Back to who I am, english is my second language, french being the first one. I’ve always been pretty good at english because I had to learn when I was young, to play my videogames and chat with the people. I am definitely not perfect, now not being a good example since I drank a little bit, but most people say I don’t even have an accent when I speak. Most importantly, I am a good person. I have my dark sides but I am really generous, I love people and have no enemies. Wow, just put the sickest playlist in the world in my opinion, aka will probably repeat it through writing this message (Tomorrowland 2012, official aftermovie), which lasts a whopping 20 minutes. This is going to be good guys. I actually am going to play this as I die, I’d be sweet if my brain kept a memory of it and played it repeatedly throughout my afterlife, if there is one, and I’d always find it sick. 

Physically I would say I am good looking, 6 feet 2 190 lbs, slim but in shape. I am outgoing, sociable, liked by my peers even though I like to be on my own sometimes. I had a lot of ambitions, I thought I’d be rich and happy. I thought I would have a happy family, in which id take care of my children more than anything in the world and everything would be fine. I learned through life to be optimist, even though I am going to end it. I thought I had something positive to offer, and I still believe I do, I’m just not made for this world somehow. Is this enough? Probably, what’s coming is going to explain a lot too.

It started fine, normal family, a sister that was 2 years younger and parents in a new house.  Went to the first 3 years of primary school and it was good. I was thought to be retarded because I learned my colors after I learned how to write but I learned later I was colorblind lol; they almost made me redo my kindergarten, thinking I had some unseen mental problem…maybe they were right. 4th year of primary school is the first time I think I though about suicide, thats where everything derailed hard. We were a middle class family, with nothing that seemed wrong. That is, until my dad cheated on my mom for a year, she found out, said she’d forgive to keep the family alive, he left, wtf. Worse, as I said I am a peaceful person, I don’t understand why people pick fights with each other, which made me so weak when I was young. They all started picking on me, and soon I was the entire school’s reject. My life was total hell – other children would do horrible things to me in the day and I’d come back to my mom devastated, crying, and my dad gone. Not wanting to bother my mom with my problems, I’d lie about all those bruises and say I fell on my bicycle.

The first time I ever spoke to anyone about it was in the last days of 6th grade, I was in detention because someone ratted me out for something I didn’t do. I had to write a short essay about the remorses I had for what I did, and I just lost it. Started crying and explained everything, from top to bottom, to the director of the school, who was a middle aged women. She started chuckling, then said it would be allright and those kids were just playing with me. After I told her I had a 3m zone around me where no one would come, people would throw away stuff I’d touch, throw rocks at me, warn new students about me, litteraly treated me like a lepor; she was the only person I ever opened up to back then, and she laughed at me?? It was the worst feeling you could think of, every second of every day for 3 years. I wanted to end it all but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was so young. Everytime I was in a car, I’d dream and wish with all my heart an accident would happen and I’d be the only one harmed, I’d be dead in a fraction of a second without being hurt. Sometimes I still dream about it, it would almost be perfect, except for the goodbyes I wouldn’t get to do.

I went to a high school that was far from where I live, to start anew, but problems came back. My self-esteem was extremely low and my personality quite weird, shaped by the year of living hell. I lived another 3 years of shit, a tiny bit better but overall the only friends I had would ask me to stop following them around. They’d use me as their test subject, putting me in all kinds of situation where they’d laugh at me. All through this, my dad was sort of an ass but he was “trying”. We’d see him every weekend out of two but he didn’t make that much of an effort. At some point, rather than coming to get us with his car, which would take roughly 40 mins, he’d make us take the bus to somewhere close to his home, then come to pick us up. He’d save 15-30 mins, but it would take us 1hr30 more. It still started sucking a lot so I changed everything again, thinking I’d solve something. I went to live at my dad’s, in a different city, a different highschool. It started getting a tiny bit better, people wouldn’t hurt me physically, but I was a nobody. I had a lot of acne so I was not really nice to look at, and with everything I had just lived in the past years, my personality was a bit weird. As I said, I’m not a mean person at all, I’ve just lived through so much I feel I’ve always been different than most people. That was random but oh well. Back to the subject, I’m doing good, not getting sidetracked. Should probably make a new paragraph, that one was so long. Oh and playlist just ended, let’s repeat it

If you are still reading, thank you. This means a lot to me right now, even though I have no idea if even anyone will read it. November is when I will die, my sister’s birthday is on the 31st of october and I wouldn’t want to ruin her 21st birthday with this. It’s before christmas but I won’t last after that, so november sounds good to me.

Where was I? After high school my dad tried to force me to go to the science program, and I wanted to be in business, so I went back to my mom’s. I started cegep (post highschool, pre university here in Quebec Canada where I live) and lived okay happily. I experienced different programs and finally found my way, customer service/selling. Then I lost it all. My stepdad hated me and it caused all sorts of problems. My best friend of the time, pretty much the only real one (or so I thought) I had, was there to help me. A bit before that, I lost the dream job that helped me find my passion and I almost ended it all then but he helped me get better, and we ended up living together. He was a good manipulator, and I was a class medium dumbass, so he ended up leaving the apartment and stealing 4000$ from me. That sucks, all alone and just started the spiral of debts, to buy a car I drove only a damn week (long story).

Just took a break, smoked a bong hit, and had the greatest idea. I want my ashes to be in a bong-shaped urn, that would be so sick. However, my organs will all be harvested, and if you are still reading this and think about suicide, please, please, pretty please take one of the many ways to be an organ donor.. Our life sucks (not even that much compared to some people but no one can judge us, only you can understand and feel what’s happening in your life) but other people’s life need and deserve to be saved with our organs. These people want to live and it’s our duty to help them this way in my opinion. I think afterlife is just like beforelife, I was going to say darkness but that’s not what it is, it’s the peacefulness of not existing. Do you remember anything before you were born? No, and you won’t remember anything after you’ll die, litteraly. You won’t feel anything, you won’t be anything. Its neutral, neither positive or negative. But when you’ve been through so much negative, neutral sounds quite good.

Back to the subject, I was all alone in my apartment, riddled with “debts” (which were nothing, I currently have 10x that amount, and I will have much more soon), and made one of the worst mistakes of my life. I started driving, then drunk driving sometimes, until that one time I had an accident, right after my ex roomate/best friend stole me a bunch of money and left with half the apartment’s stuff he owned. Lost my license, lost my car, almost killed myself the next day. I was kinda close, I had an entire bottle of painkillers in my mouth, somehow involuntarily visualized my sister crying over my coffin and spit it all out.

 I had another roomate, from which I lied to and borrowed the car with my license suspended and drove to get a girl. Got caught by cops, his car got impounded, I put myself in way more debts. Finally started smoking weed, calmed myself and started being positive and happy. I made it through last semester of cegep and found a sick university to study at, which I got accepted at, with my parents bursaries, I was on a roll. First year of university was intense in many ways, smoked a lot of weed, discovered a lot of stuff about myself, and was ripped off by student security. They made my life terrible and fined me in every way possible, which again increased my debts. I started selling weed, loved it and never got caught, made some profit but smoked much of it. Second and third year of university were good, probably the best I’ve had. Lived with a bunch a slobs but the rest was fine, I thought I was going to be allright. Then I started living with my sister and my girlfriend, got hired in a bar, everything was good.

 

Very sadly, two weeks ago everything spiraled quickly way further down than I’ve ever seen. Got caught drunk driving at mcdonalds, 2 minutes away from home. Since it happened before, they will be way more severe than they already were. Another fine, I lose my car and I go to prison for 30 days. I got refused by the bank to increase my credit margin, meaning I have absolutely no money and a bunch of things I need to pay. I was supposed to reimburse my parents but I can’t, so there is no way they will help me again. Yesterday night, I fell and cracked my newly bought laptop, that I needed for school. It still works but not well at all. The only positive things I have left is my sister and my ex girlfriend, which both live with me, that I love more than anything in the world. If they wouldn’t be there, it wouldn’t hurt so much to take my life away and hurt them deeply.

 

So now what? I feel like I am at the bottom of Mt Everest, and I need to climb it to get out of all these bad situations. I’m so scared to fall again, I mean I always think I’ll be fine but life taketh away all the time. Most of the time it’s my fault, the rest is just bad luck. So do I deserve to die? Was it my destiny and the universe’s energy is showing me the path? I really thought I had a shot at it, at growing up and being happy. My instinct of survival is fighting it, I can feel it, but as I said, I’ve taken my decision and I will end it all in november. I feel like I am not fit for this world, like I am navigating from one bad situation to another.

 

I thank you again if you’re still reading, you now understand my situation much better. I hope it helps you in any way possible, writing it sure helped me. I’ve been researching on the exit bag method, I will obviously research it more and plan everything well, since I really don’t want to miss my shot. I’ll use a combination of alcool and pills to fuck my brain up, ideally I will have filled the bag with gas but that might be complicated. With the bag on my head, I will handcuff myself to a tree, a little far in some wood, with my laptop in the background playing the playlist I’ve been listening while writing this. A day or so later, police will get a message saying my location so they can send someone trained to pick up my body. That way I won’t traumatize anyone with the surprise sight of my dead body. Everyone I care about will find a final goodbye note at that point, and I will finally stop suffering.

 

November is when it’s happening, if you care to comment I will definitely read and answer it until then.

 

Francis

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8 comments

quickatrigga 9/21/2012 - 3:49 pm

Hi Francis,

(18, Male, 50 lbs overweight(265), 6’8, parents divorced, sibling problems, in college, dependent, anti social(especially with girls), anxiety issues, never had girlfriend, virgin…, in terms of intelligence and Emotional intelligence combined from a scale of 1 to 10?

3

A lot of your problems are coming from debt. That shit is hard to deal with. I know how it feels sorta kinda because my dad went through it and is still going through it but a lot less. Debt can feel degrading sometimes but don’t let it get you down man.

Introduction.

your situation is surprising similar to my brother’s situation. he was a sexatic/screwup/anger problems/ drug problems/ etc. his life has been full with therapy, jail, setbacks and assholes. I myself have been with therapist for depression, anxiety and self-confidence issues. I tried to commit suicide 2 weeks ago with 2 four loko(hehe), 25 setraline(zoloft 50mg), 5 metalonin(sleeping pills). yea i know stupid combination, the worse i got his a painful stomach and head ache. I didn’t go through that much bullying but i did go through harassment in middle school. People playing pranks on me like shanking me and book bag taking. Your situation is quite similar to me and my brothers simply because of the fact that your life is very inconsistent. You’ve gone through some tough shit man but i definitely think suicide is the wrong choice for these reasons

1. You are going to die one day. it is inevitable. so why cut it short? because you don’t want to feel pain? if there is no pain or love in the after life then why not ride out the positive and negative effects of life. I mean despite the fact that your sister and ex-girlfriend would be in turmoil, you would miss out on things that you wouldn’t be alive to witness later on. bad things do happen to other people too. you aren’t alone. yes people who hit the lottery or are born into a good setting have ‘better’ lives but remember envy shouldn’t stop you from finding how to get through these obstacles. the only thing you should compare yourself too is in fact ‘yourself’. It’s just like if you are in a track race, if you are too busy looking at other people while you are running you will get distracted and will most likely lose. in the bible envy tempted lucifer(just making a connection, nothing religious going on here) one of god’s blessed angels to betray God the Father. So if envy is a part of your dark side, it is only natural to feel that way. it is the master sin of all sins.

2. The things that i focus on to stay away from suicidial thinking is the fact that there are people who love us. i have a brother, father and mother(situational) that love me. i have two really good friends who also love me like a bro. So try and get in touch with them and talk to them. They aren’t going to think of you as a ***** just because your suicidial. Girls are actually surprisingly great at giving advice to emotional situations. Give your sister a hug. Give your ex-girlfriend a hug. Workout your physical body to relieve stress. Eat better to induce positive thinking. when the negative stress does hit you think of it like sports training. no matter how hard it gets, i mean even if you throw up or feel like you are blacking out of dehydration, keep pushing yourself to get by. most importantly remember that what doesn’t KILL you makes you STRONGER.

( i know i get kind of off subject in my reasons but I’m kinda just letting it flow so bare with me. yea don’t envy my ethos ha 😀 )

So I’ve talked about (1)why not ride out life because we only live once? (2) people love you so use them to push yourself to the next level. become stronger

3. You are a good person. It is hard to come by people like you. sure you have made mistakes but everyone does. overall you are a person people feel safe with or maybe a better word for it would be ‘neutral’. Why neutral? because you are not a douchebag nor a psychopathic rapist/killer ha :D. you are just a vulnerable human being which is completely normal. Don’t you want to live to pass on your traits to another person? you made something good out of a somewhat bad life. that is hard to do and you don’t give yourself enough credit. People get in trouble with the law a lot but there are things in the system called exponges which you probably know of. Do you know how many people turned out worse than you? Even with a similar situation to you people have failed. If you think you are not strong enough to go on that is bullshit man. you aren’t weak.

That is what i’m going to end on because your right i can’t change what you’ve already completely decided what will happen in November. Things might be going to shit but thats when you take a shit on top of that shit and say you know what? i’m going to get through this and find myself a girl or a job or something to be passionate about. it could be God idk.

Morale: You’ve gone this far. You are a strong individual. You are self confident. You are open-minded. You are a grown man. don’t let these debts get in your way of living your MOTHERFUCKING LIFE FOR FUCKS SAKE.

Shred 9/21/2012 - 3:52 pm

I have read your story. I see a lot of times life was so hard for you. Is it the end? I always leave my option to die until I fucked up things completely. Maybe there are still things, good things you have, and those should keep you here. When you lost everything it may be a time to go. But I see you love someone, you still feel.

Toast 9/21/2012 - 3:52 pm

Well, what can i say? from your story and my experience seems like humans mostly are bloodthirsty hounds, searching someone soft and unprotected enough to tear apart. At least you are not that lonely at this point, but your suicide idea seems kinda horrifying way to die and for someone to find.

SomedaySyd 9/21/2012 - 6:17 pm

Hi my name is Sydney, I am a girl, 12 years old, a 7th grader and I cut myself, hoping to commit suiside by cutting the wrog place……My cousin was 29 when he commited suide you remind on him, just the differnce is he didnt live with his ex girl friends house he lived with his ex boyfriends house with 7 cats…..

NewBlueWorld 9/21/2012 - 7:16 pm

Wow, didn’t expect any answers, especially not that fast. I will answer everyone (surprise, I’m pretty drunk right now)

Shred – I think exactly alike, however to me it feels like a good moment to end it all, I think I did fuck things up completely. Its hard to feel like a deadweight to my sister and my ex g/f. All I feel really now is pain and regrets

Toast – I agree, humans are bloodthirsty hounds. Its that idea of putting yourself ahead, the north american mentality. The asian mentality, putting the group or the team before, is too constrictive. I believe in putting others before myself, which has led to me being ripped off by nearly anyone

SomedaySyd – I had an ex girlfriend who cut herself too, I prevented her many times from doing so. I would do anything to be back at your age, you have so much in front of you. I wanted to die then but didnt have the balls to do it, you’re quite courageous, but hang on. You might turn out to have the greatest life ever, you’re just at the beginning of it. Even though my life turned out to be fuck up after fuck up, I still wouldn’t suicide so young. You have all the chances in the world. There are a bunch of kids who feel like you at your age, and end up having a very happy life. Even if you end up really wanting to end it all later on in your life, cutting yourself isn’t a good way to go. There are way too many chances of missing your shot and waking up surrounded by friends and family wondering why the hell you would do such a thing.

quickatrigga – I loved the structure in your message, it felt like I was reading an essay, which is what I also did. We’re both writers in some way. I know what you mean about comparison, I fell to that trap a lot throughout my life, but this time it’s different. I don’t compare anymore, I focus on my own situation and it’s hell. My past sucks, my present sucks and my future will definitely suck. I want to give you a longer answer but right now I gotta sleep before work, I’ll give you a better answer very soon.

Thanks for reading me guys, I appreciate it

SomedaySyd 9/21/2012 - 9:02 pm

Then dont give up on yourself!!! Dude right now i have a sprained arm it hurts alot……but u are worth it……DONT KILL UR SELF…..Start fresh…get a job…..pay off your debt!! Lay off the majuana or how ever u spell it, for a while!!

SomedaySyd 9/21/2012 - 9:10 pm

idc about if i miss the shot anyways!!!!

damani 10/7/2012 - 4:02 am

Francis, I liked reading your story. You remind me of how I lived in college and have vividly portrayed my own problems about family, betrayal, finances, etc. I studied Asian Studies, and what you said in the comments about North American v. Asian mentality was pretty brilliant. I didn’t think about it that way. Thank you.I can tell you are a scarily smart person. I think that you have overcome so much and you have so much more to overcome. This life will take a lot from you and I. Money, Energy, Peace, Love. This life will have us believe in the happiness that comes from drinking and smoking weed and letting go, only to remind us that it’s nothing more than illusion.I wish I could maybe sit and chat with you and hold your hand tight and be there to help you through your troubles. I don’t think your story and your life is “deadweight”. I think you are inspiring. Please don’t end your story, Francis. Or then it will really be “deadweight” haha. And the weight will be in the heart’s of the people who care about you.I hope you will keep getting this pain out your chest. Write it out, as much you can. Take a moment to go outside on a sunny day. I bet even in the cold weather you can still feel the sun’s rays. So much love.

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