I have attended four highschools, all completely different. With completely new teachers, new classes, and new classmates. With each school year I’ve been that girl who rarely spoke, the girl who just went to school then went back home.I had no life, because I never opened up and allowed people to get close to me.
Every new school year my mother says I’ll find some new friends who won’t stab me in the back, but every time I’m invited to hang out, my mother says no. She claims it’s because she doesn’t know these people, and I think ‘how will you ever know them if you don’t let me hang out with them and you meet them?’
I’m seventeen a senior in highschool, and I’ve been locked away far to long to waste away my senior year. I’ve decided that I’m going to do everything in my power to ge a job, save money for a car, apply to colleges at least one hour from my mother, make friends, hang out with friends, join a club, try out for the soft ball team with the help of a new friend, and live the life I deserve to live my senior year.
One month into school I’ve accomplished only two of those things, I’ve made friends, and I’ve joined a club. I have attempted to complete a few others, but I find I’m being held back by mother once again, I’ve applied to a dozen work places, I’m working on college applications, and I’ve been invited to hang out with friends. But like everything I do, she questions it all, and makes me feel like garbage. She says “how do you plan on getting a job with no experience when I can get one with a college degree?” and “go to school here, the college is less than fifteen minutes from home!” and “how do I know you won’t go off and get high, drink alcohol, and get into a car accident?”
It’s never “good luck love” or “they’ll definitely accept you” not even “have fun with your new friends, I’m happy your getting comfortable in this new school and town!” it’s always the negative. Never a positive. And I’m sick and tired of it.
I feel so dead to the world.
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8 comments
Hi Fallen Hopes, I think you sound like you have a lot of spirit and courage! It’s great you have the desire to stand on your own feet and support yourself to find what makes you happy and successful. Not everyone has that, you must nurture that spirit in yourself. It takes courage to stand on your own feet, but it can also help you gain a lot of confidence. If you believe in yourself and work hard, you can do it. I grew up with a very negative mother and have always had a hard time letting people in since my father’s death. I switched schools my senior year of high school and it was tough to make good friends. I decided that going to a college 4 hours away from my mother was the best thing for me. In many ways that was the best time of my life, because I gained confidence in myself, but I also made a lot of bad decisions that I really wish I could go back and change. Life will always throw you curve balls, and you need that confidence in yourself to get through and keep yourself happy. My mother didn’t like me moving away, but she ultimately supported me. Maybe you can tell your mom you need to do this to gain confidence in yourself, and you hope she’ll have faith in you (like you have in yourself), and hope she’ll be by your side supporting you (figuratively), because you’ll try to make her proud. You won’t be perfect and make all the right decisions, but you need to have space to make your own decisions to become a successful adult. Sometimes we need to set examples and be positive for our parents because they’re not perfect either. Two cautions: 1) once I was away from my mother, I found that I actually had a lot of negative thoughts about myself and talked myself down when decisions were tough. It will take a lot of conscious effort to be your own best friend and give yourself pep talks and stay positive with yourself. Have faith in yourself and your decisions, even when you make mistakes. NO ONE is perfect. Second caution: don’t let other people (or yourself) sabotage your efforts to succeed and do well in school. I made many wrong decisions during college that I regret, like focusing too much on friends, boyfriends, and fun, and not enough on getting a good education, good grades, and making a good start in a career for myself. Having fun is fine at the right time, but don’t let it get in the way of getting a good education and good grades in the long run which will ultimately help you be successful and happy in the long run. I will never regret being on my own and learning to depend on myself, I just wish I had had the maturity and wisdom to focus on my education more. It may not always be easy, but you CAN do it. You sound like a very smart and courageous person. Stay focused on what’s good for YOU in the long run, and don’t let anyone sway you from that just to have too much fun in the short run. Good luck!
how you put it, your mother does seem like a huge hypocrite, a bit of a unsupportive person no offense, nice how she seems very protective of you, but don’t let your family let you down. dont let them push you down. you don’t need to take all that from her.
actually, let me tell u somethin that i just rembered…. my mother’s first time she had ever hung out with her anybody in her life actually done something with them was when she was at the age of 20, when they had her high school graduation. it was cause her mother never let her do anythinng with any1, only talk to people when they were out together. but now, after a long time of lonliness, my mom met a very honorable, moral loving man, and keeps in touch with many people. even the mother learned something about raising her for those 20 years, about how maybe she shud of trusted and given her more freedom. she said herself she wasnt the mother she cud of been. she probably regrets a bit of it.
i hope this helps.
Worry about acomplishing your goals; your mother will be out of your hair soon enough. It’s great that you’ve made friends and joined a club, even if it’s only two of your goals i think those are really important ones! Will you be 18 before your senior year is over? If so, then it will be your prerogative to choose weather or not you go out.
I will be eighteen on the very last day of senior year :/ it’s exciting to be eighteen the last day of school, because then I have every right to go out with friends after school, but it’s still the fact that my mother tends to believe no matter how old I am I am always going to be her “child” someone she has control over.
I remember entering highschool my mother would talk about how she can’t wait till all her kids (I have three brothers) are out of her hair. Now it’s like she doesn’t want to get rid of us or she wants to control us as much as she can while she knows she can.
I’ve told her that I honestly will not speak to her for a while after I leave for college, because I need my own space, and I need a chance to create myself without her breathing down my neck whispering “dont do that you could die”.
I’ve known people whos mothers were like that, and in some sense i think every mom will always see there children as children even when they’ve grown. Wanting space is understandable, go out and make a you that you’re happy with. 🙂
i think she loves you. odd way to show it at times but shes being selfish and wanting you all to herself pretty much. even if it means hurting you and scaring you. its like in her mind she feels if youre hurting that she will go to her for comfort. like you know you see tv and say a mother wakes her baby during a nap just so that she can rock em back to sleep? well your mom kinda does that in a kinda fucked up way. try talking to her and let her know sometimes her choice of words and phrases hurt and upset you.
that you will go to her for comfort*
Your mom is just an over protective adult that knows what the dangers are, though exzagerated in her mind she is fearful of the dangers in the world. She may also know her own upbringing and may have had bad experiences with say boys during her teenage years and is just scarred for you.
You sound like you have a plan, continue with it, move forward, not backwards. You’ll get a job sooner or later, it may not be what you want, yet give your employer your all.