so last night i had a terrible night my anxiety kicked in and i could do nothing but cry. my bf was being a bit of an ass and my mother had nothing better else to do but yell at me. its been 3 days since i last ate and i can already feel myself wasting away. i looked in the mirror last night hoping to see a better me then what i was. i saw the same old self. i just cried. feeling so fat and ugly i tried to throw up anything that was left in my system. it was 3 in the morning where i could hear all the people who have bullied me in the past i could hear the things they said and how much i just wanted to die. i grabbed a knife and cut my stomach. not so bad that it needed medical attention but not so weak that it didnt bleed and hurt. i stare at my scares all the time. you know people think that if you self harm its because you want to die and that you dont care and your weak. to me if you self harm its because you need to feel a type of pain that is so painful, its called life. and feeling the pain of self harm is a better pain life ever will be. and you dont want to die you just need an escape. you do care you do want to live. these scares airnt reminders of my self harming its prof of the battles you have lived and the pain you live through. its just a reminder about how strong you are. if you can self harm instead of suicide it means your strong enough to want to live. these cuts on my arms, my shoulders, my legs and now my stomach they airnt a curse they are my battle scars.
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The cutting serves a few purposes. It punishes you for feeling like a failure when people for example YELL at you because they do not understand. Secondly, feel good hormones called endorphins get released when one cuts. Therefore it is an absolution of sorts. You basically put yourself in a hurtful time out to punish yourself for crimes you did not commit that others accuse you of…and then wash away the sins with cutting.
Way to go mom. Yell at her. Goddamn people have no idea how sharp their words are or how loud their fucking volume is. As if the words do not cut enough…lets add fucking amplitude to really drive it home.
Hey Taylah, I was wondering, was it the bullying that caused you to start cutting? Or were there other factors involved?
the bullying happened for 6 years in primary school but i didnt start self harming till i was in year 8. i started self harming because i felt worthless and unwanted and unloved. i guess if u add it all up the bullying might be the cause. but then again isnt bullying almost always the cause? u see all the kids in the world who start depression, suicide and self harm because they got bullied. pft so much for the government helped bullyingget better :/
I feel you Taylah I really do. Bullying can definitely break you down into nothing. I know its been a long time since the bullying started, and its probably changed your outlook on a lot of things. But seeing that this sort of torture has been such an influence on people’s lives, maybe try to reflect outward and just for a second see from their point of view why they may be doing it. People that bully, I know you probably heard before, are very insecure, and they see things that are flawed with them in other people and they try their best to beat them down for it to resist being fun of themselves. There are always going to be people like that, but we can’t let them get the higher end. I was bullied myself for years in high school, but I came out a lot stronger in the end when I was saved from ending my life. Its great that you haven’t ended your life, but when things do improve in your life, you will have those scars and although you may see them now as a positive reminder of the battles you overcame, you never know the flipside either if everything is going amazingly and you see those scars and it brings you back to the torment you were put through. Your life is beautiful, you shouldn’t let them have the ability to make you cut up your body and break your heart the way they did. Now that bullying is becoming more widespread, and people know more about it we should be aware of the effects and be prepared to face the bullies and just ignorant people in general. That escape that cutting gives, it can be an addictive one, one that we rely on when things aren’t going right. When it gets to that point, that’s when you know its not such a helpful thing anymore, it can be rather dangerous. And I agree there could be a lot more done about bullying but it seems theres many arguments about should be done because people have “freedom of speech” and other reasons like the fact that at school the bullying isn’t done on school grounds so the staff at schools arent responsible to help the situation. Hopefully more people can begin to have a heart with this sort of situation and maybe some empathy!
i agree 100% thank you. i know that even in my happy moments when i do get them and i see my scars it may bring back bad memories but then i just think about all the pain and how strong i was to pull through it
You were very strong to be able to pull through those times! I’m proud of you for that! There’s going to be a lot of trials in life, but if you’ve been able to get through these very harsh ones, I know you’ve built up so much strength to get through whatever obstacles may enter your path. You will be able to overcome them. 🙂
thank you very much. at time i feel like that moment im in will be the last i ever will live. but then i remember someone i know who loves me and the friends i would never want to leave. it helps me pull me through and then just think that i have worked this hard through my life through my diseases and conditions, my depresison family issues, bullying. everything. and i wouldnt want all that hard work to go down the tube.
That is such a great way to think in those situations. Your life truly is important and Im so happy for you that you’ve been able to stay strong. If theres ever a time when you need someone, if you feel like you’re starting to slip, I want you to know that I’ll be here my friend 🙂
thank you so much. ill keep that in mind 🙂